Everyone wants or feels the need to have friends. Some friends can be more promising than others but "What if our friendships are what are really hurting us in the long run?"
For many, friendship is seemingly important, for me it is becoming just another way of becoming a target. When we're young we find ourselves trying to make friends and fit in, and if we're lucky some of those friendships can last a life time. For me that has never been the case. Is it possible to build a lasting friendship with someone who constantly hurts you? Believe me when I say that having a toxic friendship can cause a lot of emotional and physical damage to a person.
For me growing up and never having a true and real friendship was hard. Every time that I thought I had made a real friend they all, without hesitation, eventually turned on me. This made me become self-conscious and feel like I didn't belong. For years I would come home from school and the minute my parents walked in the door and asked "How was your day?" I would break down into tears. I would uncontrollably cry for hours while hiding in my room saying that that I didn't want to go back to school, and I constantly found myself asking them "Why am I such an easy target? Is it because I'm different?" Sometimes I still ask myself the same question and deep inside there is a part of my mind that believes that this is the reason why I am such an easy target to be prayed upon.
From the first grade to my senior year of high school was the hardest for me. I became very shy and quiet and didn't have many trustworthy friends. I often went to class with my head down and my shoulders hunched over. For those 9 long years I felt invisible and alone. It wasn't until the summer of 9th grade when I met you playing summer ball that I felt I had found someone who truly understood me and would be my best friend till the end of time. I pictured us being Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway from Bride Wars when we got older. After becoming friends with you everything seemed to become a little better. I found myself walking the hallways with my head up and graduation was a whole lot more exciting knowing that we were going to celebrate our graduating high school together. I thought that I had found myself again when I was with you. Everyone would tell me that I seemed a lot happier and that I needed to smile more because I had a nice smile that they had never saw before. I thought that we were going to be friends forever, that is until I got to see the real side of you.
Growing up, I learned first hand that there will always be 2 kinds of people in my life, those who want the best for me and those waiting to take whatever advantage they can. I learned the hard way that these kinds of people pretend to be the closest to you and will push to try to get you to do things that you are uncomfortable with, even things you know are not to be done in your best interest. There will always be that person who wants and will talk about things you don’t want to talk about, and when you don't want to listen or be apart of it they confront you and talk about you like you're a joke for doing the right thing. These people who falsely gain your trust are the ones who will encourage you to spend all your money on them (remember that time you said you had no money so I bought you a $20 dinner and then you went around and bought stuff at the store I could have used that money for the things I needed for school; or your half of our graduation party, or even that concert ticket you never paid me for).
Learning that you have a toxic friend is almost the easiest thing to realize after awhile because they always tend to get their way without regards for others. These friends become extremely controlling, giving you no room to be yourself or have any air or say in things. They will use criticism, bullying and other ways to manipulate you with guilt and make you feel like you're in the wrong and get you to do what they want. A toxic friend is not someone who tends to be interested in your welfare and most likely never will be, but they are interested in getting as much out of you or from you as they can.
You became my toxic friend and made me feel worthless and invisible. You hurt me in ways that I am still trying to heal from, emotionally and physically. I have been played with, hurt, and then tossed aside and you don't even care. You have used and taken me for granted and I am mentally broken from it. Discovering your toxicity and removing you from my life has been a huge growing moment for me. I no longer feel trapped and terrified nor worried for my safety because of your careless stupid mistakes affecting those around you. You are unreliable and unsupportive to the needs and feelings of those around you wanting only what was happening around to be about you at all costs. Our friendship was broken and I was hanging on by a thread, that I had to cut myself from before I fell and lost myself.
My advice to you is that when you discover that you're in a toxic friendship don't let yourself feel that you are unworthy or upset. Pride yourself on knowing that you are going to be happy again when you break yourself away from any negative environment that you are in and start living your life for yourself and not somebody else.
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