It seems as though the dynamics of one’s social circles are everchanging. Friends grow apart, new friends join in, people’s focuses shift away from certain people and towards other ones, and of course, there’s always the potential for conflict. However, it seems like the source of the most discordant social transposition, is when a single person is exiled from your friendship. This is also known as cutting someone off. Completely removing someone from your life with little means of deliberating a compromise may sound like a malicious and vindictive thing to do, but more times than not, it can be the healthiest and most beneficial thing to do for our well beings. If you decide to get rid of a person in your life, it is most likely because they take more from your happiness than they give to it. This is also known as a toxic friend, and it’s exactly how it sounds. A poisonous relationship that finds a way to seep slowly and steadily into your life, until it's overwhelming virulence finds a way to consume you, and cause indomitable mental turmoil.
This person could be toxic for a plethora of reasons. They may discourage you and put you down. They may not prioritize you, and make you feel less than. They may not accept you for all that you are. They may be entirely self-absorbed and unwilling to make compromises. And of course, one can only be defined as toxic when they’re intransigent towards any and all of your polite suggestions, and not amenable to changing their destructive behaviors. When someone makes no effort to change a way in which they act that is harmful to those they claim to value in their life, whether it be accidentally or knowingly, it is a red flag that they are extremely unhealthy to be associated with. So, whatever the cause may be, a toxic friend is typically one that you cut off because of a major character flaw, and not because of one specific falling out. It can be hard to sever this relationship because, to the person you are cleansing yourself of, it can appear that there is a lack of justification for your actions, and they may label you as impulsive. When explaining your reasoning for ridding yourself of a person to that person, it may be difficult for them to attribute the failed relationship to their own shortcomings, and as a defense mechanism, they may refuse to acknowledge it. They may act utterly confused that they are the source of such toxicity and your life. They may react anywhere from immediately begging for your forgiveness, to completely lashing out. And naturally, if a person had some good qualities and was a major aspect of your life for a while, it’s going to be difficult not to continue caring about them, despite their prevailing defective traits and however disgraceful their reaction is. You may even miss their company, and whatever fragmentary joy they contributed to your life. But, after all you went through to eliminate this deleterious specimen from destroying your mental state, you must resist the urge to allow this person back into your life.
I think the hardest part of cutting someone off isn’t mustering up the courage to stand up to them, finding the right words to say, or maintaining your composure through it all-it’s actually following through with your decision. It’s resisting the urge to reach out to them and rekindle your broken friendship in the weeks and months after you get rid of them. It’s human nature that you would begin to long for the good feelings they infused into your life, and the more you start to miss the positive aspects of their camaraderie, the more you start to lose sight of why you decided to eliminate the negatives. When they’re not presenting problems in your life, and your life improves because it, your predominant mental set is altered. Although you don’t miss the pain they may have caused you in the past, you’re not able to bring your mind back to the place of when they hurt you, and therefore it’s difficult for you to fathom the magnitude of their previous transgressions. This is where you must establish predetermined boundaries to avoid falling back into the dangerous trench of inescapable toxic friendship. And there are steps to ensure that you have all of your bases covered:
Firstly, tell your loyal, trustworthy confidants with whom you have healthy relationships with about the decision you’ve made regarding your toxic friend and why. Especially if they are also friends with this person, it is important to lay out your reasoning for making this decision, to assure yourself and those closest to you that you are thinking rationally. Once you confide in them, explaining the extent of your dilemma, and the pain that this friendship has caused you to endure, if you are ever contemplating whether or not to reach out to your former companion, these friends will be able to reasonably and objectively help you to avoid inserting yourself back into a horrendous cycle of forgiveness, hurt, and subsequent disappointment. You will also be able to look to your confidants of choice for solace if you ever find yourself lonely in the absence of your old pal. Secondly, in the wake of your immediate anguish and irritation after coming to your ultimate decision, find a way to capture exactly how you feel. Encompass the intensity of your emotions through any medium of your choice. Write down exactly what they did to you and how it affected you, draw, paint, even record yourself screaming or crying. Whatever encompasses exactly how this person caused you to suffer. This may seem seriously odd and unnecessary, but it is vital. When you have recovered from the onslaught of negative feelings brought on by this person, you will need something to remind yourself in times of weakness not to go back to them. It’s so easy to forget how someone treated you or give them the benefit of the doubt when you can no longer subject yourself to the initial emotional response you had. Make it possible to relive exactly how you felt during the course of that damaging relationship so that you can deter yourself from going back to something that you do not deserve to feel again. Remember, people can change when they made a mistake or two when acting out of character, but when a person is undeviating in their ways, and acts consistently in alignment with their fatal character flaws, it is immensely difficult to do a 360 and make that tremendous change, even in the course of a lifetime. Be weary and cautious of if a person if actually looking for ways to proactively and permanently change their inadmissible behaviors, or if they are merely doing the bare minimum to create the illusion that they have. Thirdly, seek out new friends or social groups. This does not mean to abandon your old ones or re-prioritize among your friends. However, finding a few new people to talk to and hang out with can be refreshing, and it can be easier to avoid going back to your old, toxic friendship when you have somepeople to spend time with that have no association or connections with them. It can also help to fill the void of your old companion when you are initially trying to overcome the natural pain of your lost friendship. Many may think that the best way to fill this vacancy within your heart is to befriend those who share in the similar, positive qualities of your last friend. However, I have found this to be untrue. Choosing to spend your time with people that are like your former friend only causes you to miss their company more. Conversely, it could also dissuade you from becoming close to this new friend, even if they don’t have the negative qualities of your past friend, because you have become conditioned to see those positive qualities as inevitable in conjunction with the negatives. That wouldn’t be fair to your new friend. While it is not bad to befriend those with similar, good qualities as your overall toxic past, because of how the brain tends to associate things, it is ideal to become friends with people who are a bit different at first. Fourthly, do not isolate yourself from attending certain social gatherings solely due to the reason that your foe will be attending. It may seem like a good idea to avoid seeing them at all costs, but in truth, that is extremely unrealistic. If anything, being exposed to them in a social setting after the relationship has been terminated will give you both the closure needed to move on in your respective lives. You can practice being cordial to one another to avoid awkwardness or tension in future scenarios that may pop up, and for your sake, being around them in the capacity of an acquaintance and not a friend will help you finalize that distinction in your head. Additionally, when you are not seeing this person on a regular basis, it can cause you to lose sight of their authentic dispositions. You may start to crave them or covet having their friendship. When you see them live and in color, acting as they typically would in a normal setting, it will reinforce the reality of who they are. When you miss something, you fantasize about it, put it on a pedestal, and see it in a romanticized light. The more you forget about someone, the more your imagination is forced to make up for it. Seeing your ex-friend normally will eliminate the possibility of you longing for aspects of them that really don’t exist.
Lastly, train yourself to move on with ease. Yes, I can’t stress this enough: even if was based on your choice, it can be extremely difficult to dust yourself off after a person that was once a central, dependable figure in your life is suddenly gone. The amount of times I hear “Why are you sad? You chose to cut them off.” or “You don’t have a right to miss them if you were the one who ended the friendship.” in these types of situations is insane. You are entitled to feel upset or lost when you are mourning a lost friendship, even if the loss was for the best. It takes time to readjust when you constantly feel like there is a piece missing. However, learning to cope in a timely manner is more than possible, and will absolutely guarantee that this toxic person no longer has any bearing on your life. Redirect all of the energy you once spent fretting about your former pal on doing productive, beneficial things for yourself. Improve your work ethic. Spend time on hobbies and doing things that you enjoy. Focus on the people that you love and who challenge you to be the best that you can be always. Life will resume as normal sooner than you think, and will be better than you ever thought possible. Sometimes you lose sight of how great life can be when there is a harmful person obscuring the view in front of you. When that toxic person is out of the picture, you will be enabled to discover life’s true radiance and hidden opportunities.
