This past spring break, my roomie and I decided to do something a bit less conventional because ~we just simply aren’t like other girls~. Miami? Ya, that’s pretty cool, but can’t we go there at any point in our lives? Aruba? Ooo, now we’re getting somewhere, more out there, more adventurous, but still not enough. Instead, we headed North East, because the tip of the Arctic Circle truly screams “sprang break forever y’all.” Here lies perhaps the most foreign land I have ever had the pleasure of inhabiting…Iceland.

We had spent months tirelessly planning excursions to partake in once there and hot spots within the city to visit, thinking that it would prepare us for what was to come.

And I think this naïve state of mind is what made Iceland all the more perplexing. So for anyone who plans on making the trek to the land of gale force winds, please read my dos and don’ts before thinking you understand just what is ahead of you. Because I can assure you, what you have in mind for Iceland is most certainly NOT what Iceland has in mind for you.

DO expect to spend no less than $35 on any given entrée at a restaurant/café/food truck. I cannot stress this enough, EVERYTHING IS INSANELY OVERPRICED.

You might have heard a mantra similar to this from a distant relative who had traveled there recently but most likely thought, “I’m a college student, what isn’t overpriced for me?” WELL HONEY, if this is your state of mind, you have a BIG storm coming for you. Just to put things into perspective, I ordered soup, as in broth with a bit of vegetables in a cup, and it was $25 US dollars.

DO learn what a Króna is, it is necessary for survival. Króna is Icelandic currency, so naturally, I assumed it would be similar to that of the Euro or the Pound.

HA, oh cruel world why would you ever let me think this! 10 US dollars is equal to roughly 1000 Króna, so please don’t be startled when you get off the plane and they ask for 3000 Króna for a bus ticket because I was so shook I think they genuinely thought I was in need of medical assistance. It is not a $3000 bus ticket, it is $30, which is still obscenely expensive but by now you’ve read the first Do of Iceland so you should expect this.

DON’T be surprised or hurt if the locals do not want anything to do with you. This is completely normal because apparently in Iceland, it is super rad to be full of angst and project that onto others.

Upon first arriving at our hotel, my roommate and I found it very rude that the man behind the desk who looked exactly like Ricky Gervais did NOT, in fact, share the same comedic gusto or even basic warmth of a human with a pulse. Little did we know that this what set the tone for every interaction we had with a Reykjavikian.

It should be known that even though they are leading the tours and working the restaurants, the locals want nothing to do with you. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time an Icelandic person said to me verbatim, “we have a very dark, unforgiving sense of humor,” I think I would have enough money to buy an American cup of soup, not Icelandic, now that’s just being greedy.

DON’T expect to eat past 10 pm in Iceland; it simply will not happen. My roommate and I got back from the Blue Lagoon at 9:45 pm on our first night. We were ravenous, literally meat hungry animals planning what we were going to eat and from where. I had my eye on a pulled beef cheek sandwich and if you know me, you KNOW my hatred for beef so this was unlike me. But the plane ride had sucked me dry of any energy and food and I had not eaten yet that day.

So imagine the utter pain and betrayal I felt when we asked Ricky Gervais where to eat and he responded, “everything closes are 10, so I don’t know what you expect to eat.” I saw my life flash before my eyes in Technicolor. I heard Satan laugh. Somewhere, an angel lost their wings. That night I went to bed hungry and betrayed. I don’t want anyone else to experience such pain.

DO ask for the check the second the waiter clears your table. My roommate and I are still confused as to how their dining etiquette plays out. Basically, the first time we dined out, we waited a good hour after our meal for the waitress to bring us our check. She had cleared the table and asked if she could get us anything else to which we replied “no” because dessert would probably cost $2 billion.

So we waited for the check for 10, 20, 30, 45, 60 minutes until we realized it was just never going to come. I think I soft smiled at the waitress upwards for 28 times that meal in an attempt to get her to come over with the check. BUT since Icelandic people are ultimately cold, this was not reciprocated and the check was not brought out, making for a horribly uncomfortable stare off.

The next dinner, the same thing happened, but this time I was fed up and raised my hand like the child I am in an attempt to get our waiters attention. This did not go over well. So please, spare yourself the strange interactions and ask for the check the SECOND you are done with your meal.

DON’T expect to learn about Vikings. I am almost 4000% positive they are trying to sweep that part of their culture under the rug. We went on so many guided tours expecting to hear SOMETHING pertaining to Vikings but were given nothing.

Vikings weren’t even in their National Museum. But come on now, Iceland, you can’t change who you are, we all know who Leif Erikson is because of Spongebob so just be true to yourselves, you can’t hide the Viking inside.

DO expect to hear more about trolls than you ever have and ever will in your natural born life. And for the love of God, DON’T question it. Trolls are a very big deal in Icelandic culture. Trolls formed the caves that tunnel beneath the country. Trolls caused the volcanoes to erupt. Trolls still hide out in the lava fields in south Iceland. Just. Go. With. It.

While we were on a tour of a cave created by lava, our guide decided to give us some background pertaining to how the pathways were forged before it had been discovered by scientists just 50 years prior. With the most casual tone in the most deadpan way possible, our tour guide simply exclaimed, “what we speculate is a troll who roamed the south-west came down here for shelter and to hide from the village people, making this cave his home.”

And then we moved on to look at rock formations. Trolls were brought up on every tour whenever there was a natural oddity. That geyser over there? Oh, a troll slipped, fell and busted a hole in the Earth. Why is that lake so oddly shaped? The trolls wanted it that way. Just don’t question it, roll with it, even ~troll~ with it.

DO prepare yourself for closing time at any bar, because they are cutthroat. Once it hits around 12-1 am (I know, very lame) prepare yourself to be kicked out of any given bar in precisely 2.5 seconds. They will hand you a to go cup, literally place a hand on your back, force you from your seat and push you to the door in a mosh pit.

And if you try to fight the plethora of bouncers that suddenly evaporated out of thin air, don’t. They will fight you, they don’t care, and they have Viking ancestors, so just don’t.

DON’T submerge yourself in the Blue Lagoon. Just trust me on this one. I went full aquatic mammal and dunked myself upon entry even after I was warned because I wanted the “full experience”.

The full experience consisted of my hair turning into straw and my scalp peeling because of the high amounts of sulfur present in its dauntingly inviting waters. My hair is still mentally scarred.

DO stay in Reykjavik. And nowhere else unless you want to go full blown survival mode. It’s Iceland’s main city and even then, it reminded me so much of Epcot because of how small ultimately suburban everything looked. And if you drive literally half a mile out of the city, you’re suddenly on TLC’s Breaking Amish because SURPRISE, it’s farm land as far as the eye can see with a house placed here and there.

DO go to Iceland. Just go. I could write a lengthy persuasive paragraph telling you why but I feel like it would sound all too cliché and I wouldn’t want to do that to a country that is far too extraordinary. So I urge whoever actually reads this to go if possible (just DON'T fly Wow air, that is my final piece of advice) because it is an experience you will never get otherwise.