If I tell myself not to think about you, it's easier. But then I drive by that ice cream shop, or really anywhere in this town that has a memory from the two of us, which is literally 90% of the places here, and I get this weird feeling. It's not as bad anymore. At first it was like this punch-you-in-the-gut so hard you feel like there's this literal hole in your chest where your heart used to be. And I say where it used to be because I feel empty now–you stole my heart and walked away with it. It's slowly coming back in pieces to me, but it's different now. It's so guarded. It doesn't feel love as strongly. Or happiness, because the little things that gave me happiness just remind me of you and I feel a pang of loss and sadness. But I suppose that will fade over time, too. It will turn to a bittersweet memory that doesn't hurt anymore.
So for now I just think about anything else. I think that I don't want ice cream or that I don't want to go by that place we've been so many times. I won’t think about my 21st birthday or cooking lessons you gave me. I literally turn off my mind for a minute because if I do linger on it I start questioning it all over again.
Why did you leave with no warning? Why did you decide you couldn't love me? What could I have done better? Did you really just wish I was her this whole time? How did I become unlovable by the most loving person? I wasn’t enough for you, for whatever reason, and I’m trying so hard to convince myself that that doesn’t matter. That I am enough and you just couldn’t see it. But I can’t yet. I can’t find that confidence you took away from me. What I felt was so real....but was any of it real for you? Or was I just an emotional placeholder to try and keep you distracted?
And then I miss you. And that pain comes back in a wave that makes me lose focus on everything for a moment. But again, I turn off my brain and focus on whatever else is right in front of me. One day I won't have to turn those thoughts off. One day I'll be able to remember them with a small smile and not miss you anymore. You taught me to open my heart to someone I never expected to come around. So thank you for that. It will be a long time before I do that again for anyone, but maybe one day I'll find that feeling and be happy with someone. I lost you, and with that I lost a part of myself. Maybe I’ll find her again–that loving, carefree and trusting girl. But right now, I have this empty hole in my heart that I don’t know how to fill. All because you couldn’t love me.
