Tired of the ladies “swiping left” on you, guys?

The days of traditional dating are over. In this rapidly evolving age of technology, less and less time can be spared for slowly building a relationship built upon trust and respect with someone, what with all the time needed to devote to more important activities, such as Snapping and managing the 'Gram. This need for a more succinct form of dating has been fulfilled by Tinder, a popular, free application available right in your pocket.

On Tinder, users post their most flattering photos and write-up an insightful bio about themselves in hopes of catching the eyes of potential mates. When sorting through profiles, Tinder users “swipe right” for those they find attractive or interesting, while “swiping left” for those they'd rather not get to know. When two individuals swipe right for each other, it may not be a match made in heaven, but it sure is a match! This allows the two to have some intellectual conversation with each other, and potentially meet for a completely natural date with no awkwardness, whatsoever.

So are you new to Tinder? Are you already on Tinder, but don't seem to have what it takes to get some arm candy? Do you also happen to be a young, single male who just so happens to fit the demographic of this particular post? Are you not my target demographic and want to be fully aware of the completely legitimate methods that will be employed to swoon you? Well you're in for a treat! Read below to learn the tips to Tinder success.

Lie About Your Height

Were you not blessed with NBA shooting guard height? Sorry, you were out of luck before you even downloaded the app. Tinder girls love tall boys, even going as far as posting must-be-this-tall-to-ride-esque remarks in their bios. If you don't tower over them like Olajuwon at, I don't know, a place for short people, you might as well swipe left on them before they shoot you down first.

However, I found a loophole to this problem, you poor, stunted thing. There's this thing called your bio, where you can write stuff about yourself. Guess what, you can LIE. About anything, really. Your age, job, what you're packing for heat, number of dogs, and you guessed it, your height! Are you 5'8”? Round that right up to six, even. Are you just barely tall enough to avoid being diagnosed with dwarfism? Why not reinvent yourself as a 6'7” wide out for the Dallas Cowboys? If this doesn't quadruple your Tinder matches, then might as well give up on ever finding love.

You may be asking what to do when you meet your match and she sees you're not as tall as you said you were. The answer is obvious, just stand on your tippy-toes the entire time!

Get Right to It, Ask Them on a Date

Like I said, there isn't much time to date these days. Why not circumvent the whole process by asking them outright to coffee or dinner? Compliment them on their looks and the little info they gave in their bio and go for it. Try something like:

“Hello, beautiful! What's a darling like yourself doing on a site like this? I see we both have similar interests, like being on Tinder and liking to 'just have a good time' :) Why don't we skip the formalities and grab some coffee. Free tomorrow at 7?”

It may be a bit forward, and girls may not appreciate, but women sure do. Pro tip: adopting a fedora in your photos may increase the success rate of this tip.

Group Photos

Maybe all of those solo photos are giving off the vibe that you're kind of a loner. How about you add a couple pics of you drinking with the boys at a house party, or pounding some brewskis with the dudes at the beach, or rippin' shots with the guys at the bar.

Even better, why not take a complete 180 and change all your Tinder pics to group photos? Girls love a popular guy with lots of friends; Use this opportunity to show off how many you have. Maybe you're ugly? Make it nearly indistinguishable which one you are, that way, the ladies have to swipe right to ask you and figure it out. But hey, make sure your friends aren't too much better looking than you, you don't want to end up having them match with you, just to ask if you're the one that's second from the left, and you tell them, “no that's Adam, I'm the one on the far right”, and then they ask you for his number, so you give them your own number, but tell her it's Adam's, and proceed to text her for weeks until she goes “why don't you send me any pictures or Snapchat me?”, and you tell her your camera is broken and you can't upgrade your phone until February, until one fateful day, she matches with Adam on Tinder and he messages her and finds out you've been pretending to be him for weeks and now neither of them will talk to you, all because Adam always has to be sooooo perfect and every girl loves him, well guess what, go to hell, Adam, I'll always remember the time you cried in 7^th grade at recess when you fell off the swingset, and you too Rachel, I can tell your your nose's angle isn't even between 104 and 108 degrees, so you're not perfect either. I hope you're reading this and realize the mistake you made, I'm perfect and you will never have me, not ever.

Is the One You've Matched with Not Your Type?

If you're not new to Tinder, you'll have realized that not every match you make will be to your liking. Perhaps you got out of work one night, bought a couple forty ounces at the store, got hammered by yourself, and swiped right on every single girl you could until the app told you to take a twelve-hour break from being a complete animal. Well, if that's the case, then you more than likely have a couple matches that you find unsuitable to your tastes. Have no fear, you can make use out of these matches made in a location other than heaven.

This is kind of the inverse of the previous tip. What you'll want to do is view the undesirable's profile. Scroll through her photos and look for a group shot, preferably one with a bunch of females. (or dudes, set your Discovery Preferences to your liking). Hopefully, there will be one that fits your mating needs, and upon this finding, promptly message your match. Something like, “Hey Tina, hope all is well. By the way, in your third photo, that girl who's second from the left... I think I know her from a place or something, would you mind forwarding me her name and number? I'd be much obliged :)”.

It hasn't worked for me yet, but I'm guessing it's just because the girls I asked were selfish and wanted me all to themselves.

Netflix 'n' Chill

You know what I'm talking about. If you really want to get the ball rolling quick, don't say hi. Don't give some generic compliment, ask questions about their life, or even look at their photos. You're clearly not looking to wife up this chick, why bother with the formalities. Simply send “Netflix 'n' chill?” to every match you get, and wait for that one special lady to say she's down.

From there, you invite you to your pad. You bought some of that cheap Trader Joe's wine and hid it in your bedroom. This is because your mom would get confused, seeing as you typically only buy eighteens of Rolling Rock, taking up room in her refrigerator that she needs for all of the groceries you demand she buy.

Once your date shows up, you give her an awkward hug and invite her to quietly follow you to your bedroom, but your mom hears two pairs of footsteps and pops out to say hi. You tell her this is your friend from school and she's come to do some homework. Your mother reminds you that you graduated from college a year and a half ago and that you don't have homework. Your mom takes you aside to grill you on who “the floozy” is and says you can watch TV in the living room, but your bedroom is off-limits. As you sulk away from her, you hear the front door quickly open and close and see the girl hurrying to her car.

I can't speak for all Netflix 'n' Chill dates, but this is my experience in the matter thus far.

Be Precise in Your Bio

Why not speed up the process even more by being specific in your desires for a match, right in your bio?

For example, do you like tattoos or piercings? Mention that to attract those that happen to have them. Maybe your perfect girl loves a certain genre of music; List your favorite artists! It won't be long 'til you get a message reading “Wow, I love Coldplay too!” Perhaps you desire a lady of a certain size? Jot down a weight limit to filter out those that don't fit your preferred specifications. What about a certain race or ethnicity? That seems a bit much for the progressive time we live in, don't you think?

Actually, this all seems a bit much. Maybe everyone should realize that they're not God's gift to Tinder. Just remember that your potential matches are people too. They're not going to be tailored to your liking, just like you're not tailored to theirs.

Well, thanks for reading, I hope I've managed to avoid needing a satire footnote. As for you, I hope you find what you're looking for on everyone's favorite superficial, freemium app. Cheers!

BONUS PRO TIP

You know what they say, love is blind. Is there any better way to actualize this figure of speech than by legitimately making love blind!? Go to your cutlery drawer and grab two of the sharpest blades in the bunch. This is because you do not want to skewer one eye, only to be in immense pain and not be able to carry out the second half of the process. With a knife in each hand, stab your self in the eyes. Trust me, it hurts at first. Like, a lot. But hey, I got this voice recognition software to write out my listicles for me, everyone loves my seeing eye dogs, and now women don't think I'm a shallow manchild. Hey, that reminds me, I missed a tip.

Girls Love Dogs

Get a dog. The end.