5. Do They Know it’s Christmas?- Band Aid: I'm about to do a bad, bad thing.

I'm about to complain about a charity single for children in Africa struggling with famine.

I realize it's for a good cause, I know that it brought aid to children in need, but that still doesn't change the fact that this is a really, really dumb song.

For starters, let's focus on the main idea of the song, which is: we need to help starving kids in Africa know it's Christmas-time, because they're not gonna know it's Christmas-time because it isn't snowing and all they want to do is survive, so you should buy our song donate to the children in need so then they'll know it's Christmas!

Quick question, Band Aid: Are you aware that most children in Africa, even some of those starving, have access to a calendar?

What do you think these kids do, just stare at the ground and wish food would fall from the sky whilst wondering, "I wonder what day it is?"

That's so incredibly stupid.

Also, follow up question, Band Aid: you do realize that it doesn't magically snow everywhere during Christmas-time?

Many, many places closer to the equator, including where I live, don't snow at all during the winter months due to the warmer climate. And yet we don't stand around like idiots wondering when Christmas is because we have access to this wonderful modern invention we like to call the calendar!

This is such a dumb reason to care about starving children in Africa. Why not pay attention to the fact that they're, you know, starving, instead coming up with some sob story about they'll never know it's Christmas because it isn't snowing?

Sounds stupid when you say it out loud doesn't it?

The picture that these guys paint of Africa is one that doesn't even have a smidgen of modern civilization in it. It's like they think all of Africa is the isolated tribes that find spears to be the latest advancement in civilization. What a backwards picture of Africa that is. They're basically insulting the people they want to aid by telling the world that Africa is this barren wasteland of joyless wonder that we need to donate money to so they'll "know it's Christmas."

They even go far as to call it a land "where nothing ever grows," which is stupid considering that agriculture was and is a driving force there just like it has been for civilizations across the world for all of history.

Another annoying thing about this song is its condescension. There's a section where they describe African poverty and declare, "Well tonight thank God it's them, instead of you."

Listen: don't condescend to me to guilt me into donating money. I didn't choose to not be starving. If you want me to focus money into your cause, don't make me feel like I'm a terrible person for having it. This accomplishes nothing except making me angry and making you look like a pretentious moron.

Overall, this song misses the point because it tries too hard to make a false sob story out of an actual sob story and condescends to you to try and make up for it's other shortcomings.

And to top it all off, it actually snows in South Africa.

At least We are the World didn't stoop this low.

4. I’ll Be Home for Christmas- Josh Groban: I really didn't want to pick on a particular version of a Christmas song.

Cause then I'd have to hunt high and low for the worst version of every Christmas song there is, and that's impossible.

If I was going to put a bad version of an overall good Christmas song on this list, it would have to do something different with the original, something new in order to make the song worse in some way.

And boy, did this song deliver.

I don't like stupidity in music, and I don't like smug condescension, but the number one thing I hate the most in Christmas music, and for the most part any music, is emotional pandering and manipulation.

And here we've got a textbook case of it.

For those of you that don't know, this is the version of I'll Be Home for Christmas with the voiceovers done by servicemen and women in the armed forces.

Now before I am hated by every man, woman and child, let me add a preface: I appreciate the sacrifice, dedication, love, care, and loyalty by everyone serving in the armed forces. I will always respect military men and women and their families and they will always have my undying gratitude. I love my country and I'm not a Communist.

And you know what, when this song first came out, it was actually somewhat touching.

Considering that it came out while many were serving overseas, I could understand the appeal. I still thought it was pandering though, with some military men wishing their "four year old girl a Merry Christmas," a line which I swear made my radio speakers sticky from all the sap in it.

But when it kept being played over and over, year after year, I finally had to admit to myself that enough was enough.

We get it: some officers won't be home for Christmas. And that's sad. But do I have to sit through the same sob stories I've been hearing for the past 5 years or so? Is that really necessary and does it add anything to the meaning of the song? Not really.

At best, it's a song looked at from a different angle. At worst, it's emotionally pandering to the patriot in all of us, manipulating our respect for the armed forces into finding more value in the song than there actually is.

Because when you take away the voiceovers by military officers, there's barely any actual song left to enjoy.

And when you actually look at this fact critically, you find that in actuality, this song has no true value.

3. Last Christmas- Wham!: True story: I thought this was originally written by Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift does actually sing a cover of this song, and the lyrics are so stupid and inane you'd think they were written by a stupid teenage girl.

And what other musical artist has made the most money off of that shtick?

But nope, George Michael wrote this everyone.

And wow is this song awful.

Romance is not really one of my things. I don't hate it, and I actually appreciate likable, genuine, and well-written romances.

The problem is, I hate what teen girls think qualifies as "romance."

And this song embodies it. The singer complains about this (considering that it's George Michael, I think it's safe to assume) boy who broke their heart last Christmas after they gave it to him.

Only this year, to "save themselves from tears," they'll give it to someone "special."

Oh right, is this guy as special as last year's?

The chorus is a good representation of the flaws of the song as a whole. The singer is "so mad" that last Christmas this guy broke their heart, and their solution to keeping their heart from being broken again is giving it to someone "special," who is of course being determined as "special" by the same person who was stupid enough to give their heart to someone who would break it last Christmas.

I also love this "I'm still attracted to him" element that the singer keeps throughout the the song. They claim to know "what a fool" they've been, but they say that if you "kiss them now," they know you'll "fool them again."

Am I supposed to be rooting for this person? All I'm hearing is an idiot who can't separate attraction from love and makes terrible life decisions. I don't want them to give their heart away again. I want them to shut up. I want them to stop thinking with their hormones and use their brain for once. I also want the radio to stop playing this idiotic song about a person who has all the intelligence of a meat grinder!

Overall, this song is written from the point of view of a type person who I despise: the overobsessed with romance person who bounces from relationship to relationship, declaring that no, for real, this time: THIS is "The One."

So if that person's actions are obnoxious, why would I want to hear a song about their thoughts, which turn out to be just as obnoxious?

George Michael should have stuck to the fluorescent makeup.

2. Happy Christmas (War is Over) - John Lennon: The Beatles are the greatest band that ever was, and there's absolutely no debate on this topic.

No one revolutionized music as much as they did. No one wrote as many classics as they did. No one evolved as much or as often as they did as artists.

And no one's breakup was as sad as theirs was.

The solo careers of the individual Beatles brought some great music, but each one was also missing part of what made them great.

Paul became a bit more of a pop sellout. George started writing songs that showed why he didn't do a lot of writing for The Beatles. Ringo faded into almost obscurity.

However my least favorite solo career is probably John's for two reasons: Yoko Ono and this overwhelming smug condescension he inflected into his music.

John's solo career started to take a more self-righteous activist angle, culminating with "Imagine," a song that could only have been a product of drugs, arrogance, and wishful thinking.

And it only makes sense that his solo Christmas outing would have these traits.

Overall, what I hate the most about Happy Christmas is its condescension. From bar one, the mood of the song is detached and self-righteous. "So this is Christmas....and what have you done?" Who are you to ask, John Lennon? It's none of your business what I've done. Don't try to guilt me for enjoying Christmas. You don't have that right! I just want to enjoy my Christmas holiday by listening to some music, not get bombarded with this whole schpiel about how "Christmas will never be happy until war's over." War will never be over because human conflict will never be over you nitwit! That's not my fault!

I put this song so high because it represents not only a star who fell really far but an attitude that doesn't belong in Christmas music: self-absorbed infliction of self-hate onto others.

John's arrogant tone in the lyrics really gets under my skin. His idea that he has to somehow make everyone feel bad for enjoying Christmas by reminding them that war exists is a stupid and wholeheartedly misguided one at that.

No one wants to be talked down to at Christmas, or ever, for that matter. But during a time that society takes to celebrate what peace and goodwill we have, it's poor taste and honestly downright insulting to be told that celebrating that isn't "good enough." That somehow we have to keep pushing for peace or we will never have a truly "Happy Christmas."

Christmas is what you make it, John, and if you want to make it a time to hate society even more, then that's fine. Just don't try to make everyone feel the same way, because when you do, you come off as more of a crappy person than those who you wish to feel guilty for enjoying Christmas.

Also, don't ask me about what I've done. You broke up The Beatles. And honestly, that's much worse than whatever I've done.

1. The Christmas Shoes- NewSong: Contemporary Christian music is just the worst thing ever.

I don't think I'm breaking anyone's hearts at this point by saying this. The repetitive lyrics, the same three chords, over and over and over, at this point, it's ridiculous.

The Contemporary Christian scene needs more depth.

Take this song as Exhibit A.

Now admittedly, since it's telling a story, there are more lyrics to work with here, so we're removing the "repetitive lyrics" complaint from the equation. However, the lyrics that we do have to work with are so ridiculous, so awful, and so pathetic that I would rather have some wannabe Christian hippie singing, "I love God" for the infinitieth time.

As I said before, the absolute worst thing a song can do is manipulate your emotions to lend it some false credibility, and this is song is the LIVING EMBODIMENT of this. I cannot think of a single set of lyrics more gutwrenchingly painful than these.

The story of the song is basically this, and get ready, because it's a pitiful one: a man happens upon a young boy buying a very expensive pair of shoes. When he inquires as to why, the lad explains that his mother is dying and he needs to get this pair of shoes for her so she can look good when she goes to see Jesus.

Oh wow, NewSong, real deep.You couldn't fit in an orphan puppy in there? Maybe a lonely angel who just wants to spread Christmas joy? Maybe the child himself is also going to die next year of cancer? Anymore oversaturated garbage we can throw in there? The forty-year-old mothers aren't crying hard enough. Keep writing more overemotional garbage into the lyrics. Can't get any worse!

This is such a sick, lazy, and cheap way to try to make the listeners cry to make some dollars. I can't even begin to describe the disgusting levels of debauchery in this. These writers sat down and decided to write a Hallmark movie into a song. Fitting enough, because this song soon became a Hallmark-level movie!

Also, side note: it's also theologically inaccurate. We don't take earthly possessions to Heaven, folks. This wouldn't be such a big deal if the artists behind this crap weren't a CHRISTIAN BAND for goodness sake!

Basically, if I were to describe this song in a word, it would be pathetic. It's a pathetic and downright lazy attempt to make you cry and feel all warm and fuzzy for Christmas and make the worst purchase you could ever make for $1.29.

And honestly, $1.29 is two dollars too many for this piece of garbage.

So, this is my list. If you're angry, please don't hate me. Instead, let's talk about it in the comments with civil respect. After all, this is my opinion, and obviously not fact.

Thanks for reading, and avoid these songs so that you can have a very merry Christmas.

BONUS CONTENT:

Hey, glad to see you stuck around. I'm sure there are some songs you guys are wondering, "Why didn't he include those?"

Well, I've heard your imaginary request, and I intend to fill it by presenting you with a short list of songs I didn't put on the list that probably qualified and give a reason or two why.

So, here is:

WHY I DIDN'T INCLUDE IT ON THE LIST:

Wonderful Christmastime- Paul McCartney: I've heard a lot of criticism for this song, mostly around its synthesizer and overly cheery and cheesy lyrics. And I gotta say, I see your point, but this song is so bouncy and fun that I can't help but love it. That's why I prefer this over Happy Christmas. It's about having fun at Christmastime, not feeling unjustified guilt.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas- Gayla Peevey (that is actually her name): This is song is annoying and I dislike it, but I admit I have the tiniest bit of nostalgia for it because I used to think it was the funniest thing ever. Also, it's really too weird to hate in my opinion.

All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth- Spike Jones and His City Slickers(amazing what you find on Google): Again, another stupid song I can't bring myself to hate. As a kid who was missing his two front teeth around Christmastime, I related to this song at at least a minimum level, so I don't really hate it. Also, it's good for a cheap laugh with 7 year olds.