Maintaining a long term relationship between two people is a huge undertaking that takes massive amounts of effort from both parties. This can be an exciting adventure and there are many things to benefit from the energy you invest into loving someone. But, that being said, it is never just sunshine and rainbows. You'll encounter fathomless amounts of obstacles for however long you navigate the road of life together: money, living apart, integrating your friend groups, and sometimes just learning to understand each other can be a challenge. Every person has their particular quirks and short comings, but what can make this particularly difficult sometimes is the addition of mental illness to the equation. On average in the United States, one in five adults will suffer from mental illness during the year, and one in twenty-five have a chronic mental illness which severely affect their major life activites. This means that tasks that may seem simple to others- such as eating, sleeping, or getting up and going to work- are extremely challenging to these people and this can sometimes affect lifestyle and relationships. Whether your partner is going through a temporary depressive episode or they have a condition which rears its ugly head again and again, you want to be there for your loved one and be as supportive as you can be. Here's some ways that you can genuinely help your partner, and in the process build a healthy strong relationship.

1. Two Ears, One Mouth

I think we can all agree on the importance of venting, especially after having a particularly bad day or hearing bad news. Talking through our day to day experiences is an important normal part of the human experience. This is particularly essential for people suffering from depression and anxiety, and part of the core foundation of psychotherapy. This being said, if your partner opens up to you about their thoughts and feelings, whether they are good or bad- just listen. This sounds like a simple task, but when confronted with a situation where your partner is speaking about problems they've had at work or other qualms - our first instinct tends to be to explain it away or to recommend what they should do. Before you know it, suddenly you've commandeered the conversation and shut down their valued time to vent. Instead you should listen and then validate what they are feeling; give your advice only if they ask for it and wait until they are completely finished to give any input.

2. Its Okay to be Sad, or Angry, or Scared...

Our society has inherently taught us to shy away from bad feelings, we're constantly bombarded with sentiments of "keep you chin up!" or "look on the bright side..." because people want us to immediately stop feeling whatever negative emotion we may be feeling in order to make them more comfortable. Well, this just in: telling someone not to feel how they are feeling, doesn't make them feel better. In fact, the only thing you're probably doing is making them feel even worse because now they have this sense of guilt about their own emotions. People who are depressed often times feel sad with no triggering events. Feelings of anxiety or paranoia cannot be cured by saying that there is nothing to worry about. Mental illness cannot be reasoned with, and often times these emotions are a coping mechanism for things that overwhelm us and letting them out is much healthier than keeping it in. If your partner comes to you feeling down, cheering them up may not be the best thing right now; sometimes all they need is to be held and allowed to feel freely.

3. Know Their Triggers

Although some symptoms of mental illness can be brought on without any particular stimulus, those who have PTSD or may have experienced traumatic events, episodes of extreme distress or panic attacks can be brought on by exposure to certain objects, places, people, or situations. These are commonly referred to as "triggers". People often mock tags on articles that warn readers about content that might be upsetting, but this is important for many people's health and safety. As the significant other of someone with a mental illness, it is courteous and very important that you ask your partner about their triggers. Know what triggers them, what happens if they encounter it, and do all with in your power to avoid situations where they are at risk. If you are unsure if a movie, event, or activity will have possibly triggering components- ask someone who will know, do your research, or just avoid the activity all together if you are really unsure and feel there is a significant risk. The fact that you proactively work to make them feel safe and comfortable will mean the world to your partner.

4. Encourage Their Growth and Healing

Mental illnesses, much like physical illness, can put limitations on our daily lives or make certain tasks much more difficult than one would expect. As a partner to someone with mental illness, find out what tasks are particularly daunting for your loved one. Understand their limits and the consequences associated with certain stressors, pin point which things may be accessible to work on. Learning to deal with mental illness is a slow process, and sometimes a person can learn to cope with things they couldn't before. This kind of therapeutic approach takes a lot of time and patience as the person in question must take baby steps. Never try to force your partner into situations they are uncomfortable with because you think it will "help" them. You should support and encourage this kind of behavior, but these things need to happen strictly on your partner's terms. If they are uncomfortable with something and you find yourself endlessly trying to convince them they can do it, chances are they aren't ready for that. Even if they try to do make a step forward and then back out last minute, be there to support them and praise them for trying.

5. Don't Be a Helicopter-Bae

Sometimes when your partner is having a particularly bad day they may need you to cook for them, help get them out of bed, or hang around to motivate them to take care of their responsibilities. If they ask for this help and it is only occasional, that's ok and you are doing great showing your support for them. If you are doing this constantly, especially without warrant, you have stopped being their partner and started being their parent. This can be exhausting for you and can teach your partner to be dependent on you which is unhealthy for both parties. Being helpful and supportive is great, but they should still be an independent human being. If they couldn't take care of themselves or all of their responsibilities without your help, you may need to reevaluate if you are truly helping- or acting as a crutch.

6. Recognize When YOU Might Be the Problem

You love your partner and you want to do your best to make them feel better, but sometimes you may be more hindrance than help. If you find yourself guilty of over-helping, being too pushy, or shutting them down, you could be adding to their problem. If they seem more distressed after talking to you than they did before, chances are you need to correct your behavior or step away. Sometimes stepping away from the situation to clear your head or spending a bit of time apart can help bring perspective to both parties and allow the relationship to continue in a more healthy way. Other times things have elevated to the point that your relationship is making them more sick than they were before; if this is the case you may need to consider dissolving the relationship for your partner's health.

7. Don't Just Guess, Ask

When people reach out to try to help those with mental illness, they often try to assume what it is that will help the person or believe that they know how the person is feeling. Well, unfortunately, chances are in these cases that you're wrong. Loved ones sometimes feel this pressure that they need to know what to do without any help, or look to outside guidance (like this article) to know how to best help their partner. But often times the best guidance you could possibly get is from the one you are trying to help in the first place. During a non-crisis time, have a frank conversation with your partner about what worries you and ask if there are any specific ways that you can help them when they are in crisis. Often times, if your partner has been living with their illness for any length of time, they will have at least some guidelines on what can truly help them. Check in often and ask them how they are feeling. If they are acting different or said something that concerns you, express that you're worried. Because sometimes, just knowing that someone noticed makes all the difference.

8. You Can't Just "Fix" Them

Although we are tempted to believe the myth that media perpetuates that "love cures all", we need to come to the very blunt terms that it doesn't. If you walk into a relationship with someone, especially someone who has a mental illness, with the attitude that you're going to fix them and view them as a project- you should immediately turn around and walk directly out of the relationship. You may love that person, and they may love you back, but that does not mean their illness is gone or is going away. If you really plan to be with this person long term you need to accept that their illness is part of that and it is going to be with them for their whole life. Sometimes it may get better, and you may contribute to it being better for a while, but it can just as quickly get bad again for no reason at all. Loving someone with an illness means accepting them as they are and being willing to hold their hand through the good times and the bad ones.

9. You are NOT a Professional

Having the support of loved ones can be helpful in coping with illness, but sometimes loving words and hugs aren't enough. Mental illnesses are serious medical conditions and need to be treated as such. Recognizing when things are out of your hands is essential to keeping your partner safe and healthy. Ensuring your partner is seeing a therapist or psychiatrist regularly can make a huge difference. Although some people don't ever need medications, others need this extra help to deal with their condition. Encourage your partner to listen to their doctor and keep up with whatever treatment plan they are on. If you feel your partner is in serious crisis and is danger of hurting themselves or others, do not hesitate to call 911. This can be terrifying and you may worry that your partner will be upset with you, but you are doing what is best for them and in the end they will thank you.

10. Remember to Take Care of Yourself Too

Whether you yourself also suffer from a mental illness or you are neurotypical, supporting someone with a mental illness can be stressful and draining. You may get so dedicated to helping your loved one feel better that you begin losing sleep or neglecting your own responsibilities. Supporting your partner is a labor of love and is an important component of the relationship, but you cannot sacrifice all of your life to taking care of them. Make sure you're doing periodic check-ins with yourself to make sure you're in a steady enough place to help your partner. If you're not in a good place mentally, chances are you will be no help to your partner. Set boundaries from the get go about when to take a break and make sure you always have time to do the things you need to do for YOU. Allow yourself to feel any frustration, anger, sadness, or anything that may accompany the challenges at hand. Write down your feelings and reflect on what about the situation was too much for you so that you can act differently next time.

Mental illness is very real and has the potential to tear relationships apart if not handled properly. Listen to each other and communicate about your feelings- no matter how hard it may be for the other person to hear what you have to say. Love is an equal partnership where both parties should give 200%. 200% is a lot of work, but the rewards are endless. And everyone deserves that option no matter what conditions you may have.

If you or someone you love is suffering from undiagnosed mental health issues or in serious crisis call one of these national hotlines or find a resource in your area. In case of a serious emergency, call 911.