As anyone who knows me even in the slightest can tell you, there is nothing I love more than cracking a good old elephant joke...and then laughing maniacally for a solid five minutes at myself as those around me stare in wild confusion. Such joys are meant to be shared. I present to you a treasure that will become more precious to you than gold: my top ten elephant jokes. They will change your life.

1. Q: How many elephants can you fit in a mini cooper?

A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you know if there’s one elephant in the refrigerator?

A: There’s footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there’s two elephants in the fridge?

A: You can hear them giggling.

Q: How do you know if there’s three elephants in the fridge?

A: The door doesn’t shut quite right.

Q: How do you know if there’s four elephants in the fridge?

A: There’s a Mini Cooper parked out front.

Don’t stop for questions, just keep going. Delivery is key

2. Q: Why should you never go into the jungle on a Tuesday?

A: Because that’s when the elephants practice their skydiving.

Q: Why is the alligator flat?

A: He went into the forest on a Tuesday.

Not only is this joke hilarious, it offers helpful advice. Stay away from densely wooded areas on this day of the week for your own safety.

3. Q: What’s the difference between a plum and an elephant?

A: Plums are purple, elephants are grey (emphasize the obviousness of this statement).

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: “Look! Here comes the elephants!”

Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: “Look! Here comes the plums!” Jane was color blind.

A common mistake. Plums and elephants are strikingly similar.

4. Q: What did Napoleon Bonaparte say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: (In your best French accent) “Voila! Les elephantes!”

Q: What did the elephants say when they saw Napoleon Bonaparte?

A: Nothing. They don’t speak French.

Only one more hill joke left, I promise.

5. Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill all wearing sunglasses?

A: Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill?

A: “Ha! You elephants fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!”

Sunglasses make surprisingly good disguises. It’s how Frank Morris escaped from Alcatraz.

6. Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

A: To hide in cherry trees.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Pause for the audience to ponder this question) Exactly.

They probably also wear sunglasses in those cherry trees.

7. Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails rainbow colors?

A: To hide in bags of M&Ms.

Elephant manicurists are extremely skilled at their trade.

8. Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?

A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you kill a red elephant?

A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue and then shoot it with a red elephant gun.

The ingenuity of this strategy will astound your listeners. DISCLAIMER: We do not endorse elephant violence. They are quite notorious for their vengeance.

9. Q: What’s the difference between an African and Indian elephant?

A: About three thousand miles.

This was my high school yearbook senior quote. I'm not kidding.

10. Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have such large feet?

A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: What’s grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

Go ahead. Bask in the glory of comedy you have created. You’re welcome.