Remember when you were a kid at the grocery store and begged your parents to buy you something? "Hey Mom, I really need a new can of Bush's baked beans for my room!" Well your 7-year-old self probably asked for a lollipop or something, but that's beside the point. It was magical walking through the aisles of a Wegman's or a Piggly Wiggly in search of buried treasure, through the stacks of tabloid magazines and piles of Crocs. However, now it's the closest thing to hell on earth. Yes, we all have our midnight Walmart runs with friends when we have nothing to do, but when it comes to serious grocery shopping it can be a real pain in the you-know-what... in the you-know-where (whatever grocery store that is). I'm giving my top five reasons why grocery shopping is the worst thing since canned bread (oh my god is that in a grocery store too?).
5. The List
We all know "The List." We think, we plan, we write; we create "The List." It's basically all of the items we go to the store in search of. But what happens when you forget "The List"? What happens when you forget that essential item you needed to bake that potato prune casserole you took the 20 minute drive to the store for? You go mad I tell you. You simply go mad.
4. The Load
You walk into the store and pass the shopping carts. "Oh I don't need it!" It's an in and out job. You just came for the free samples. Just kidding. You see that new brand of toilet paper and go running. Then it's the new limited edition organic colander that sanitizes the spaghetti squash. Left and right and as far as the eye can see are things you need in your life. At least that's what the commercial said. You''ll die without it! First it's the little hand basket you carry around, then it's the shopping cart. If things get really bad, it's the motorized cart because you're just too lazy to walk.
3. The Line
Okay. You got all of the goods and semi-managed to avoid all of the sweet discounts on clams and string cheese. You make your way to the front of the store and proceed to 10 items or less. The lady in front of you clearly has over 10 items. Who needs 17 packs of paper towel? Clearly the world was supposed to end three years ago. Self-checkout it is! "Sorry the machines only taking electronic forms of payment." Blast it! You only brought cash! Register 14 is open. Actually the only one open... out of the 20 registers that exist. There's a line of 15 people and a half-melted pint of Ben and Jerry's, so what do you do? The electronics department! It's like the secret menu to Walmart, except it's two in the morning and no one is working in the department. Guess it's time to swap the ice cream and take a number.
2. The Lies
You may not be on "Extreme Couponing" on TLC but you know a good deal when you see one. Sometimes flipping through the newspaper can really pay off. 50 cents off bread really helps (unless you have Celiac disease because then I don't know why you need bread). After waiting 20 minutes to meet Sally at the register, you rip through your wallet or purse and whip out the coupon. "This coupon is expired," Sally says. How can that be? Could the November coupons have mixed up with October? Sad face. The lady on "Extreme Couponing" saved $134 and made the store owe her money back! Sorry guys, it's only on television.
1. Unpacking
You get in the car and realize Sally made a mistake on the receipt. Do you really want to be that person who goes to customer service to save a dollar? Yes honey! After getting that hard earned dollar back and spending it on a scratch off, it's time for the drive back home. You start the car and scratch the scratch off. It looks like you won a dollar! After going back to customer service and cashing in the scratch off for your prize, you buy another one! And you scratch it again and win another dollar! You buy another scratch off and win another dollar and another dollar after that. The ice cream is definitely melted at this point, so the only source of fun at the grocery store has to come to an end. The car pulls into the driveway and into the garage. After three trips back and forth from the car to the kitchen you're ready to put the food away.. or the clothes.. or the poster of Paula Deen you desperately needed. You rush to put the perishables away. CRASH. There goes the two glass jars of low-fat mayonnaise that was vital to Grandma's prune pie casserole. The only solution is a trip to the store once again. Can this day get any worse?
Well there you have it. If you want to live you need food, and if you want food you need to grocery shop. It might be best to shop like it's the end of the world so you never have to go again. If you actually like grocery shopping then.. just kidding. Who would ever like that?
