Did you wake up this morning and ask yourself, "Where did my stuff go?" I stole it while you slumbered. It is now in my possession, you materialistic corporate puppet. Do you want know what my favorite things that I stole from your dorm were? Well, here's a list about it.

10. Your Empty Water Bottles

I recycled them. You're freakin' welcome. You thought that I was the bad guy, didn't you? Maybe you shouldn't judge someone just because they break in and steal stuff from you occasionally.

9. Your Dog

It’s now been set free in the wild of Lakeshore Drive. For who are you to attempt to control the animal kingdom? Are not we all simply capitalist pigs at heart?

8. Your Candles

I just saved you from getting into some minor trouble. I also may have hidden some meth in your room. The search is on.

7. Your Toothbrush

I have no use for it. I just took it out of spite, you maniacal industrialist.

6. Your Keys

I was nice enough to leave your car, though. Well, to be exact, I couldn’t find your car. You should think about how many people don’t even have a car while you're inconvenienced. Give something back to the rest of us 99%!

5. Your Notebook That Has All Of Those Important Notes That You Need To Study For Your Exam On Thursday

You wrote too large and didn’t even write on the back of pages. Have you ever heard of saving nature rather than gutting it for your own selfish reasons? I’m now putting it to much better use by drawing pictures of your dog over and over again for no particular reason. I’m trying to save the rain forests while you’re out bankrupting orphanages on Christmas Eve!

4. Your Top Hat

Try maneuvering 19^th century London without your top hat! Pretty hard, huh? Well, boo hoo, many people don’t even have top hats!

3. Your Cane

Maybe you should have treated your employees better during the Christmas season, you greedy buffoon! How do you sleep at night?

2. Your Coat

Are you getting pretty cold? Well, I bet that begging stuffed bunny that you turned away earlier is pretty cold too, you loveless cynic! Not even the kindness of the ghost of Christmas present can warm you now!

1. Your Cheese

Maybe you should have given those hungry mice some of your cheese! You had more than enough for everyone, you bloodthirsty tycoon! Maybe now you’ll learn the true meaning of Christmas and the importance of charity!

Hurray! It's worked! You now understand the power of giving and are now having a Merry Christmas! You've donated much of your money to charity and have saved Tiny Tim's life! You even gave cheese to the mice! God bless us, everyone!