Never listen to a Cosmo advice article. Two years ago, before my senior year of high school, I made that fateful mistake. I read an article that said to help clear up acne, one should try a dairy-free diet. Being about a month out from my senior pictures, I kissed milk products goodbye and waited to become beautiful. Not only did I still have a zit on my chin for the photo shoot (Bless Photoshop), but I lost a little piece of my heart that month- I became lactose-intolerant. If you're not sympathy crying for me at this point, I want to make this clear- I UNKNOWINGLY MADE MYSELF INTOLERANT OF ICE CREAM, CHEESE, AND MILK. Thank you for your tears. As you can see, I'm still coming to terms with this. Here are the top 10 struggles I have encountered since that fateful diet:
1. Pizza is literally served at every social event
In my previous life, I was the ultimate pizza fan. I'm from Chicago, okay? I live for deep dish. Quickly after becoming lactose-intolerant, I realized how central pizza is to our social lives. Pro tip- every college student's dream phrase, "free food", usually can be translated to "free pizza." You'll find me at this free food event in the corner with a free bottle of water silently crying.
2. Being forced to break up the ultimate duo: grilled cheese and tomato soup
You thought the Brangelina split was tragic? Yeah, think again. Try eating a lukewarm bowl of tomato paste without its beautifully gooey sandwich sidekick.
3. Having to spend $8 for a pint of almond milk ice cream
This has to be discrimination of some kind, right?! Ben & Jerry's almond milk chunky monkey is the reason my college meal plan took such a big hit. Also, please make better flavors of lactose-free ice cream. Is a decent chocolate or cookie dough flavor too much to ask for?
4. Life without cheese
Literally enough said.
5. Summertime isn't the same without ice cream
I don't care what anyone says, slushes, Italian ice, water ice, Popsicles, and whatever frozen treat you can think of will never be an adequate substitute for ice cream. NEVER.
6. Friends and family forgetting you're lactose-intolerant
Trust me, I get it. I'm the friend who can't split the cost of a pizza with you, has to embarrassingly grill the waiter about every item on the menu that could possibly contain dairy, and can't binge watch Netflix with you while eating a tub of ice cream. But I'm about one more "Oh wait! I forgot you can't eat that!" away from stapling a "I AM LACTOSE-INTOLERANT" label to my forehead. You've been warned.
7. Having to say "no whip" to the Starbucks barista
Pumpkin spice lattes will never be the same for me. Sorry, you're going have to give me a minute. I'm starting to tear up again.
8. Forfeiting the right to dunk cookies in milk
Have you ever looked at such a perfect chocolate chip cookie that you thought you had to be dreaming? And you couldn't wait to get yourself a cool glasses of milk to dunk it in? Yeah, this is where this "dream" turns into a nightmare for me as the cookie scorches the roof of my mouth because I CAN'T HAVE MILK.
9. Having to interrogate the waiter about dairy in every item on the menu
"Okay, but does this have dairy in it?" "Wait, but is that a cream sauce?" "Can you make that without cheese?" "Stupid question, but is that coconut flavored yogurt or is it yogurt made from coconuts?" "Are you going to spit in my food for all theses questions?"
10. Constantly debating if you can cheat and eat the dairy product
Ah yes, the true ultimate struggle of the lactose-free life. One time I had to miss school with a horrible stomach ache because I cheated and ate deep dish pizza the night before. Hey! Don't judge me! You try living without pizza!
Alright, wipe your eyes. While I have many more lactose-intolerant struggles to tell, I'll let you grab a tissue to clean up your running mascara. I told you life without cheese, pizza, and ice cream is scary to imagine. I can close my eyes and tell you every single detail of the last bowl of mac and cheese I ate before dairy decided to hate me. All I ask of you is that the next time you bite into a gooey piece of pizza or lick a giant scoop of ice cream, think of me and all those who can't enjoy the beauty of dairy. And also, don't take advice from a Cosmo article.
