Hey, it's that time of year again. It's that time where I make a list of films coming out this year that I expect to be bad. I do this in the hope that I can save moviegoers some money by helping them avoid potential duds (and absolutely not because I couldn't come up with a better topic for the article this week). Before we get started, I would like my readers to know that I do not know what the actual quality of these films will be. These are educated guesses based on previous patterns and trends I have noticed. I hope every one of these films turns out to be at least a descent surprise and that I was wrong about all of them, but I probably won't be on most, if not all, of them. These are ten films that might be terrible in 2017.
#10. "Justice League" (Release: Nov. 17)
I really hope I'm wrong about this one. I grew watching the Justice League animated series and I really love these characters, but I have to look at the facts. The DCEU hasn't been going well so far. "Man of Steel" received mixed reviews at best, "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice" was a critical failure and financial disappointment, and "Suicide Squad" was another critical failure. I still hope "Wonder Woman" can salvage this series, but it might be too late. "Justice League" is being directed by Zack Snyder, the same man behind "Man of Steel" and "Batman v. Superman" and, from the trailer, the film looks just as bleak and heartless as those previous films (despite the increased attempt at telling jokes). I hope for the best, but I'm still preparing for the worst.
#9. "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" (Release: May 26)
Just as before, I really hope I am wrong about this one. I actually enjoyed the first three "Pirates" films (yes, even the third one to a degree). However, I am not blind to the overall decrease in quality that the franchise has suffered over the years. The third film was O.K. and the less said about the tedious, padded, dull fourth film the better (if you couldn't tell, I'm not very fond of the fourth film. It really feels like the only reason Disney keeps making these is because they still make mountains of money at the box office. I expect this one to make lots of money as well, I just hope we can also get a good movie out of it this time (something that hasn't happened since the second film). I would like to see this series make a comeback, but after watching the trailer (look! a mystical army of undead pirates as the villains... again!) I'm not keeping my hopes up.
#8. "Baywatch" (Release: May 26)
The idea of making a comedy off of the cheesy lifeguard television series of the same name should be perfect for comedy. Imagine the meta gags the could come from this. Imagine what someone like Chris Miller and Phil Lord could do with this material. After watching the trailer, I'll admit, there were some good meta jokes in there, but most of the jokes fell flat or weren't that funny. This is being directed by Seth Gordon, who directed the descent "Horrible Bosses", but also directed critical failures such as "Identity Thief" and "Four Christmases". The film is also scheduled to be released on the same day as "Pirates of the Caribbean" which is almost guaranteed to make money, which is almost never a good sign. I hope that, like most comedy trailers, the best jokes were kept out and the film turns out to be good, but (so far) it just looks like a mediocre version of what Chris Miller and Phil Lord do with the "Jump Street" films.
#7. "King Arthur: Legend of the Sword" (Release: May 12)
The trailers for this film do not inspire hope for this to be good, which is a shame. I like Guy Richie as a director. From the "Sherlock Holmes" films to "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." his films have been (while not great) fun and creative. The trailer shows off almost two separate films that don't go together. The first half of the trailer displays an almost comedic tone from the way it's shot and edited (what's with the weird Go-pro footage). The second half comes across as a mediocre action film with over-the-top CGI and uninspired looking action scenes. The fact that the film releases one week after a guaranteed money maker "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" doesn't fill me with faith either.
#6. "Transformers: The Last Knight" (Release: Jun. 23)
Does anyone expect this to be good! We have had four "Transformers" movies so far and only the first one is kind of descent. The others have been varying degrees of dumb, loud, obnoxious, dumb, too long, dumb, casually racist, and casually sexist (did I mention dumb). Truth be told, the trailer does look intriguing (why are medieval knights and Nazis in a "Transformers" movie). If the trailer looks descent then why aren't you more hopeful you may be asking; because that's the way I felt after the other "Transformers" trailers. Every time a "Transformers" trailer tricks me into thinking that this one might be good and every time I leave the theater massively disappointed. Maybe this might be the one to surprise everyone with it's quality characters and story telling (it was hard to type that and keep a straight face), but I severely doubt it.
#5. "Fifty Shades Darker" (Release: Feb. 10)
The fact that this film is on this list should not come as a shock to anyone. The first film was a horribly written piece of trash that romanticized sexual and psychological abuse, and flat out depicted those within the BDSM culture as sociopaths who needed to be saved from their deviance (even though the film indulges in everything it says it hates. These films could have at least been unintentionally hilarious if they had kept the cheesy, smut dialog that made the book funny. Instead the filmmakers thought they were making high art and made it all sophisticated and dull. The sequel looks like more of the same; overly serious tone and boring acting. You can count me out.
#4. "CHiPs" (Release: Mar. 24)
The reasons why this film is on the list are the same reasons that "Baywatch" is on this list. Like "Baywatch", it's a film that's based on a cheesy television show and ripe for parody in the style of the "Jump Street" films. It's trailer also had some jokes that did make me laugh. Like "Baywatch", it had more jokes that didn't make me laugh and I feel like the film is a mediocre version of a Miller/Lord film. So why is this film lower on the list than "Baywatch"? Most of the jokes in the "Baywatch" trailer just fell flat, while most of the jokes in the "CHiPs" trailer made me cringe. This is the definition of lowest common denominator when it comes to comedy (do you know what makes a gay joke funnier? making the joke go on and on and on and on and... you get the point). This could, again, be a massive surprise, but it looks like the definition of agony so far.
#3. "The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature" (Release: Aug. 18)
Does anyone remember the first "Nut Job" movie? For those who don't know the first film was a straight-to-video, cheaply animated kids film that had a theatrical release (for some reason). It was dumped in January 2014, got bad reviews, but still made money because it was January and no other kids film was out. Due to this (somewhat) success, there is a sequel getting released that still looks cheap and sounds formulaic. It's also an animated film being dumped in the mid August wasteland where films that weren't good enough to be released in the prime summer months go. Unless you're a Laika film, being dumped in August is usually never a sign of faith from the studio. I also have to ask this question again; who asked for this!
#2. "The Case for Christ" (Release: Apr. 7)
Ugh... "The Case for Christ" is another religious film being released by Pureflix. If you didn't know, Pureflix is the same company that put out the "God's Not Dead" films, which were cheap, lacked real subtlety and depth, used cartoonishly broad straw men as villains (all atheists are bad people), got down right offensive at times (anyone who is not a Christian is an abusive jerk), and practically deified any Christian without question. Pureflix is responsible for most of these cheaply made boring religious films that pander to the insecurities of a certain religious sect. Then we have this film, which is about an Atheist trying to prove Christianity is a cult. Gee... I wonder who will be depicted as a jerk throughout most of the film until he has an inevitable conversion due to him being proven absolutely wrong on all of his points by the innocent and pure Christians without having to ask any hard moral questions about the faith (I hope you can pick up my sarcasm). Yeah... as you can tell I am not looking forward to this one.
#1. "The Emoji Movie" (Release: Aug. 4)
This is a real movie. This is a feature length film based entirely off of those little faces that you put on text messages. Someone (apparently) thought the "story" of these things needed to be told. This is going to be painful. This film looks like one of the most cynically corporate things Hollywood has ever done and that's saying a lot. Is anyone actually looking forward to this? I see people everywhere dreading this thing as the final sign that big Hollywood studios have run out of ideas and are now making movies out of anything remotely popular at this time. I know what some people will say. They'll tell me to give it a chance because "The Lego Movie" turned out to be good. Yes, I know "The Lego Movie" was better than it had any right to be. However, "The Lego Movie" slowly one me over with the talent involved and the trailers, "The Emoji Movie" has not. In fact, the poster makes me angry because the girl emoji has a wool cap, blue highlighted hair, and many other pieces of market focused, trendy, punk fashion. She looks like a 2010s unironic version of Poochy from "The Simpsons". The trailers aren't even that funny. I think I put it best when I posted the trailer on my Facebook for all to see and I quoted Nietzsche, "God is dead".
