I wish I was okay

I wish I didn't feel so stuck all the time

I wish I could get over my issues and just stop

I wish it were easier

I wish I didn't feel like a train wreck all the time

I wish I could tell someone how I feel and it be okay

I wish I could just be okay

I wish I didn't have to hide

I wish I was normal again

But, maybe I've never been normal

I think when God made me

He threw away the pattern

I try so hard to be strong all the time

Even while I'm writing this I'm feeling weak

Because I'm being too honest about myself

And I'm afraid

I'm petrified actually of being too honest with myself

If I'm too honest with myself

All my demons come out to play

And that's way scarier than I can handle

I hate that I feel like a mess most the time

No one knows that though

Because I do my very best to be okay

But, I guess sometimes you can't be strong

I beat myself up when I cry

Because that's weak

And I'm not weak

I'm tough

I'm strong

I can do anything

I'm Hope

But, the problem is

Behind this tough girl exterior

There's a really sad

Broken girl

Behind this tough girl exterior

There's a girl who cries more than she'd ever let on

There's a girl who's broken

There's a girl who tries to piece herself back together

Every single day

The messed up part is I'm fine sometimes

Sometimes I'm totally okay

It's the times when I let my head talk too much

Is when I'm not fine

I wish I could just tell someone this though

I wish someone would get it

But, I don't even get it

Because it's not me

It's not the Hope that everyone knows

It's not the Hope everyone loves

It's not me

It's a sad version of me

I pride myself in being tough

I pride myself in being strong

I try really hard to be, too

But, sometimes I just can't breathe

I don't like being an emotional wreck

I don't like being sad

I don't like hearing my own thoughts sometimes

So I drink to forget

I drink to shut my mind off

But, sometimes it's just too loud

Even in the silence

My head is constantly running

I'm terrified my head will never stop overthinking

I'm terrified I'll never be okay

I'm terrified that I'll always be a train wreck

I'm terrified someone will see it

But, I do the best I can

I smile

I laugh

I try to be okay

But, sometimes I just can't be

It's those moments when I feel myself breaking down

That I get scared

It's those moments when I start to cry that I get scared

Because someone will see me being weak

But, they tell me it's okay

Maybe it will be okay one day

Maybe I'll be fine again

Maybe I'll get it together

Maybe.