As I sit and look out the window, its almost hard to imagine how just a few short months ago, I was thinking about jumping from that same very window. A bracelet sits on my wrist and reminds me that my story is not over. And it's true, my story is far from over.
At only the young age of nineteen, I was ready to end my life. I would have done anything to stop the horrible thoughts that continuously swirled in my head. At the time, I didn't know that asking for help would have saved my life. Well, if sitting in the psych ward of the hospital until 3AM wasn't a cry for help, I am not sure what is. A special thank you to the person who sent me to Lawrence and Memorial that night, even though I hated you for it, I now am so grateful for your presence in my life. That night changed my life, and it has been changing my life ever since.
I have depression, anxiety, OCD and ADD. To sum it up, mental illness and I are pretty familiar with each other. I was never able to accept the fact that I have mental illnesses until I was stripped down to a hospital gown and sitting by myself sobbing with no one to comfort me. It was during that night that I realized that my quality of life was deteriorating rapidly and it was time to change.
Looking back, I have grown leaps and bounds. It took a lot of a therapy (and a little medication) but today I can not wait until the sun comes through my window and I can take on the day. I really did not think this day would come, but here I am. Living proof that sometimes all you need is a little help, from some friends, family and my psychology team.
Life is so much more than what the world thinks about you, it is all about how you think about yourself. I was so caught up in people's perception of me, it altered my own perception. I hated myself and wished every second I could be a different person. But, there is only one Lili Dickey. I made a promise to myself, to be the best Lili Dickey I could be, and to accept my strengths and weaknesses for what they are. I wake up grateful to be who I am and to be able to attend an amazing college, play the sports I love and enjoy the fresh air blowing through the windows as I drive around jamming to my favorite songs.
If you are struggling from mental illness, you are far from alone. Many people struggle in silence, but it is time to reach out for help. No matter who you are, or where you are, someone is willing to listen and help. I promise life will get better once you take the first step and admit you are struggling. I would not be alive today if I did not reach out. I was more scared of asking for help than I was of dying, but today I have no problem reaching out and speaking out. Life is not meant to be perfect, people are not perfect, the world is not perfect. Take a risk and save your life. I promise it will be worth it, you are worth it.
