I haven't written in a long time. Truth be told, I wrote a piece that I wanted to post but after I wrote it I felt so cleansed I didn't feel a need to type it out.
But I'm back bi--BEAUTIFUL MEN AND WOMEN OF ODYSSEY AND FACEBOOK.
I just wanted to share some thoughts from earlier.
Today has been pretty much my dog and me at home and I started to get a little stir crazy (and a little down, to be honest). It was a rough day and it got to where I was dreaming of just sleeping the rest of day away. If it isn't money (or my lack thereof), schoolwork, or overall stress, then it just feels like a shitty day. Today was a beautiful and bountiful combination of the four and I was over it. No movie seemed to keep my interest, no homework seemed to be able to get done (and I have a lot of it), no rest to be had.
Go clean, let off some steam, my brain said.
So clean I did.
I vacuumed, tided, cooked, but it wasn't until I started folding that my head cleared.
I looked at my dog while she slept all curled up on the floor (that I had just vacuumed) and watched her breathe. In, out, in, and out.
She was so peaceful. She is turning 5 years old this year and I simply cannot imagine a day without her.
I thought about how 5 years changes people.
I thought about amazing moments in my life, those moments you curl up inside your chest for the rainy days. No one exactly brings up conversation that pertains to it, so you just kind of keep them to yourself.
I thought about the time I asked my friend what she thought the world looked like before the colonists settled; if the skies were as blue as they were that day and if she thought the trees were still as green. I love that you think like that, she said. You think about things people don't normally think of.
I thought about one of my last Fourth of July moments in Michigan. I looked up to the stars the moment before the firework smoke settled in; one of the first times I felt so connected to the universe. I thought about the time I touched a hot sparkler and how my finger reminded me of the balloons I like to suck the helium out of to make the universe laugh.
I thought about all of the times I wanted to die.
I guess this worked out for the best, I mean, I'm still here. But still, I think about it.
I think about how it never came to be; people came to visit and just showed up, my mom came home.
That loss of selfishness turned to fear. A counselor said it was true courageousness- that last second change to survive another day.
I was scared of my mother's hurt and disappointment when she found me there. I never wanted to see her cry and know it was my fault.
I thought about all of the reasons I got to where I wanted to die. Depression, anxiety, shame, bullyingand anger all seemed to give the same undertone of this is why you wanted to die.
Of course it's different now.
I thought about my future students.
I thought about how I would tell them that they matter. Just pointing one by one, person by person. You matter, I would tell them. The fact that you're here is a reason that I love you. You are here learning instead of anywhere else. Even if you are going to the bathrooms because you need quiet instead of on the streets finding trouble, that is important. You misbehave and make me want to rip out my hair? I'll love you for the sake that you never miss school. You are here and you are loved.
I'll tell them about how I think one of my past lives' was an activist and public speaker. How I call myself "mommy's little activist". I'll tell them about how I love them, how they can make it.
Today is worth it.
So I will take a thousand todays and a thousand more tomorrows. I have grown and I have prospered, and I love these days for that reason.
I hope I'll always remember days like these and memories like those.
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