Want to know my first thought when I realize I actually really like someone?
"Sh*t."
I know, not usually the kind of response you want to have. It's supposed to be happy and exciting, and it no doubt is. My response is more in anticipation of the immense vulnerability I'm about to put myself through.
The funny thing is I want to feel something for someone else and have them reciprocate it. I want the butterflies and the daydreams and the goodnight text. But it comes at an emotional price.
To me, emotions are debilitating. They make me feel like I've lost control of myself entirely, and it scares me. If someone has that kind of capability over me, then I don't want anything to do with it. But as much as I don't like it, that's just not the way life works. No matter how terrified and uncomfortable I may be, the good feelings always outweigh my fears.
I'm someone who enjoys her independence — there are no strings attached to it. I call all the shots. There are no distractions. I'm on a path with a set plan, and I'm determined to see it through uninterrupted. But I guess I would be naïve to think life could exist according to me, huh?
So when I meet someone I feel a strong connection with, I am suddenly at the will of my emotions. I can be overwhelmed with happiness, which I have to say isn't so bad. Sometimes I lose my mind for a moment to jealousy, which is something I really hate because I don't like to be that person. The worst, though, is when I convince myself they've changed their mind and blame myself for falling for it in the first place.
But none of that is who I am as an individual. I am not jealous or insecure. So why do I let myself believe I am when it comes to opening myself up to someone else? Why would I even want to put myself through that?
Because life would be pretty freaking lonely if I didn't.
So for anyone out there who feels the same way as I do about being susceptible to emotions, I get it. I really do. Letting someone else in can be terrifying, especially when the outcome is unpredictable. But here's how I try to think about it: there's someone out there for every single one of us. More than one, actually. We're all meant to feel love and be loved. If you're patient, you'll find them. If you're impatient, you'll waste your time on those who don't deserve you, which will only deepen your fear to feel anything sincere.
You can't change who you are (and you shouldn't), but you don't have to sabotage your own happiness. Be unafraid to feel something heavy. It's worth it.
