Each passing day seems longer. It feels like you're constantly scrutinizing yourself, resulting in an overflow of criticism and negative opinions of yourself. You don't look like you used to, both because you feel completely out of shape and because you see your stress has made you look ten years older than you really are. You don't go out like you used to, both because past events leave you overthinking your every last move and because you're constantly feeling unloved. You don't feel like you used to, both because you're constantly finding new things wrong with yourself and because you don't feel joy the way you remember. You almost wonder if you're truly feeling at all. Regardless, you're completely sure this isn't living.

You can remember clear as day how the world around you used to look. It seemed like an endless realm of possibilities. You felt loved by each soul you came across, and a lot of that had to do with the pure light you seemed to exude. You went out of your way for people. You made friends with anyone you came across. You could talk to anyone without hesitation. You could bring two seemingly opposing sides together easily. You were quite the peacemaker. You were good at the things you chose to pick up. You did everything the best you could. You felt secure in everything. You were smart, radiant, and most of all, happy. You had a knack for hope that seemed beyond your years.

Now, you feel like you pull away from people. You aren't as confident when you speak. You aren't the go-to person, or really anyone's favorite person in general. The vibe you give off is one of anxiousness, and that's mostly because you are constantly surrounded by the cloud of not liking where you stand. You feel that you might be annoying, unloved, unappreciated. You develop a mindset in the depths of negativity and maybe even narcissism, a place that you know is helping to drive people away, but a place you can't seem to escape from. You're angry at what past experiences have shaped you into, this new person that you know is simply not you, but you also don't know how to break the mold to get away from.

It sucks, because where the roads have led you wasn't your doing. It wasn't something you asked for, expected, or even realized was happening until not only have you gotten through it, but you've walked enough miles away from it that you've had the time to process what just happened. In hindsight, it all seems so clear. Talking about it out loud is enough to make you kick yourself for how naive you sound and how stupid you were. You know that you are settling for a half-lived life, and you're wasting valuable time doing it. Yet each time you seem to try to step out, it feels like you're abruptly slammed back in. When this happens, you decide that you'd rather just stay where you are.

It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome -- you know your circumstances suck, the place you are at sucks, and anyone looking at it from the outside or going through it knows that it sucks, but you become comfortable, as crazy as it sounds. There's pain and there's hurt, but it's still what you know and what you're familiar with. You know what to expect, and you'd rather remain there where you know what it feels like than venture into an unknown space to possibly experience new pain. Plus, you don't even know how to be in another situation. You don't know how to act or what's expected. You might as well stick to what you're good at, even if it's a terrible area to be an expert in.

So at this point, what do you even do? Where do you even go?

The answer is not a clear cut or simply one. There is no right answer in this case, mostly because there are about a thousand different side questions that lead to those massive ones. The first step is to know that there ARE a thousand different side questions, which means there will be about a thousand different individual answers.

What also matters right now is that you recognize that you cannot stay where you are. Where you are has demons and monsters lurking in the shadows, something that you're constantly aware of and something that's constantly causing you anxiety. Where you are might feel familiar, but familiar is not always synonymous with safe. There is a better, brighter world out there, and you know it because you've seen it. You know your full potential.

Here's a quick but convicting thought. Typically, your enemies are going to try to make you fear the things they fear. If they fear drowning, they'll do what they can to remind you how unpredictable the ocean is with rip currents. If they fear what it would look like for you to be in power, they will knock you down every which way by reminding you that it's too big of a responsibility for you to handle. That the people could hate you and riot against you. That maybe if you became president, you would undoubtedly be assassinated. As horrible as it sounds, it's true. Your enemy is completely aware of the ways that their fear is intimidating, and they will use that as an advantage to scare you, too. If your enemy fears your success, fears for you to be the best you can be, fears what is going to happen if you fulfill the plans in store for you, then they will do what they can to keep you from getting there, and the best way to do that is to make you fear it, too. The devil will throw roadblocks in your way to keep you afraid or maybe even hinder you or give you a complete disadvantage. The lesson here is to learn to press on and face your fears head-on. This idea is so completely empowering because it shows you that the things you fear most are actually some of your biggest blessings in disguise, all you have to do is chase after them instead of letting them chase you. Thank you, Sadie Robertson, for this incredibly convicting idea.

What matters right now is you start the search. Remind yourself of what made you happy and what was different during that time. Try to find those things again. Of course, you can't make everything the exact same, and I'm not sure that you would want it to be. You have been through lessons that you were supposed to learn, and you came out much wiser on the other side because of it, so keep those lessons in mind and don't lose them. You wouldn't want to. Instead, try to be the person you were while retaining your new knowledge about the world. Be the same talkative, happy-go-lucky, hopeful, one-of-a-kind person, but keep the wisdom. Be a mix of the great qualities of who you are with the great qualities of who you were. The journey is long. You're going to stumble and revert back into yourself and criticize yourself, but take heart that you are not meant to be static. You are constantly growing towards where you want to go, as uncomfortable as the process may be. Change doesn't happen in the comfort zone.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Be patient in the process. Keep searching with your whole heart to find yourself again. Find those feelings and find the things that set your soul on fire. Find the people who support you in the transition and love you well. Before you know it, you'll realize you've found yourself, too.