"The thoughts.They linger like the ceaseless storm inside the soul. They plague the mind and imprison what remains of the light"
I know you are struggling. I know the journey is even more difficult with the inability of those around you to comprehend the extent of your battle. By no means is it a fortunate circumstance, because there are few passages that permit life: total restoration. I understand that there are only certain few who genuinely realize what something like a mental illness--an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, OCD-- is like to bear. It transcends the mere definition of miserable. God allows His children to endure situations as these, however, not to demonstrate His ability to condemn or punish, but so that we may receive a full, all-encompassing awareness that a relationship with Him exceeds the essential.
Fighting against a mental illnesses is not an easy battle. Its tenaciously deceitful grip is quite satisfying for many: believable, almost. But the fight is worth it. The battle will never end, but it does become easier. The mind betrays and reveals that even one minuscule morsel of something unhealthy will make us fat, that one less cycle of hand washing will result in a bitter consequence, that living a life of self-hate is the only way to live it at all, that cutting is the only escape. Food is not our enemy, and similarly, self-hate and cruelty are not the heroes in this unfortunate tragedy. Slowly suffering in silence is not the answer either.
I hope someday you can see how precious and important your life is: just how dearly you are loved. The people around you, though it seems they don't understand (which quite frankly they will not, unless they have been in a similar position), are trying to help you. They are trying to help you survive, learn to live life again, thrive again, find happiness again, but most importantly, find yourself again. The more you listen to that relentless, unkind voice in your head pointing out all of the negativity, all of reasons why your existence is not essential, all of the things you should stress over and be persistently anxious about, the more you succumb to the horrible disease. The reality of completely succumbing is death. Your life will slowly start to slip between your fingers. Please, do not continue attentively listening to the lies. You are not the fictitious fables fabricated by your mind.
I hope and pray that God will give you the strength: the perseverance and determination essential for the journey. Remember that you were created for a divine purpose, no matter what that horrible voice inside your head continues to whisper, because despite your denial, you know it is there, relentlessly resounding. I promise you can overcome the shackles that are binding you. You must sincerely ask yourself if you truly want to live a life imprisoned and controlled by something that has no place in this world.
It is not a choice to have one, no. It is not a choice to fall victim. It is a choice, however, to succumb. To accept the lies and deception. To continue surrendering to a malevolent deceiver. Only one can and will win the battle. Only one can and will triumph. You must choose recovery every day. You must choose it each and every day for the rest of your life. It is not easy. It is not something that can conveniently or consciously be circumvented, but it is possible. It is absolutely possible and it is absolutely worth it, but you must hold on to the incredible strength within you and maintain an attitude of positivity. You must never forget the fight of your life: the darkness you have walked through, the darkness that plagued not only you, but those you love, the darkness that was slowly killing everything inside of you, the darkness to which you never desire to return.
You CAN do this, because I know a God will get you through it.
"But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me." Psalm 22:19
"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12
"LORD, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress." Isaiah 33:2
