I was 20 years old when I became a victim of sexual assault.

However, I was 21 when I realized that I was sexually assaulted.

Not everyone understands when he or she is sexually assaulted. Some wish to forget; others speak up. Victims of sexual assault do not always understand their assaulter or the incident that occurred. The processing of a traumatic event can come at different times with different feelings.

My assaulter was a coworker. In the workplace, we are constantly briefed about sexual assault, what we can do to prevent it, how we can talk to mental health, chaplains, and other professionals about our feelings. But what if a victim does not want to speak? What prevents them from processing an event or even so much as acknowledging it?

I did not feel comfortable talking about what had happened to me. Most days, I simply forgot anything ever happened. The emotional turmoil consumed me for over a year. But, it did not stop there. I went through embarrassment, shame, confusion, anger, and overall, numbness. I knew that if I were to report my sexual assault, something dangerous could occur within my workplace. I thought, "My friends and coworkers will judge me. My family will want me to talk about my feelings and the event that occurred. My job will just recommend therapy.No one will believe me."

Day in and day out, I felt nothing but fear. I did not want to talk about what happened to me. I never told anyone – until one day I was forced to.

Just like I had thought, my work did not all the way have my best interest. Yes, they wanted to get the guy who did this, but we worked together. They had to treat us as equal. I had to see and hear about him consistently. At this point, just when I ignored everything that happened, the feelings came back – fear, PTSD, confusion, and guilt. One, guilt occurred because my work specifically stated that if I was to report, I could help other women who have suffered from sexual assault and rape. On the other hand, I felt shame because I did not have such a great appearance within the workplace. How could they ever believe me? I will do all of these things for nothing. I knew in my head how reporting went. First, the investigation would occur. Then, we would speak with higher officials. Finally, the long and hard road would occur – testifying. I did not want to put myself through something and talk about my experience when I was just trying to move on.

According to RAINN, "38% of victims of sexual violence experience work or school problems, which can include significant problems with a boss, coworker, or peer."

You think I wanted my peers and coworkers looking at me differently if they found out I reported? Of course not. I did not want to be seen or told I was a victim. I wanted to ignore the whole thing.

Eventually, a coworker asked me about the guy who assaulted me. She told me that he had also affected many other women within my job. I told her I wanted nothing to do with it. However, that did not stop her or my other coworkers. They constantly bombarded me to talk and report what happened. Finally, after much discussion, I reported my assault. However, over a year had passed since the incident. I barely remembered what day it was let alone how everything went down. I forced myself to forget.

After I reported, the stages began of a sexual assault case. From the day I reported, I did not testify until a year and a half later. At this point, I was sexually assaulted two and a half years ago. They asked me nonstop questions about what happened, how it happened, when it happened, why it happened, and other questions about that night. After almost two a half years, you think I remember everything? No. They did not see it that way. I was expected to relive EVERY moment from start to finish. Of course, as I predicted, he got a very easy penalty, despite the numerous people that testified against him. It was not enough because we had no proof other than statements and details.

I do not regret my decision to report my assault, even though he got laid off with some paperwork and deductions. I knew what he deserved. Everyone knew what he deserved. Yes, I was afraid the entire time from reporting to testifying. I accumulated anxiety, stress, and depression the entire two and a half years. Even now, I still get flashbacks. But, I feel that me speaking up and shining a light perhaps did some good in some way. Yes, he got punished, not to the extent he deserved, but he knew he was wrong, which will haunt him forever. More importantly, I protected the women he did or could in the future take advantage of. I wanted to save all of them.

I will never forget the day I looked my assaulter in the eyes and told the entire room what he did to me. However, I am proud of myself and for those that were willing to take part in ending a cycle of assault. I do not blame anyone who does not report his or her assault. I would have never reported if it were not for people trying to push me. Life is never easy neither is it being a victim of an assault. The baggage and experience cannot be undone. However, if someone is dealing with unwanted behavior, it should not go unnoticed. This message is for the ones that are hurting, suffering from pain and fear, and do not report their assault. Believe me, it gets better. I am now 3 and a half years stronger from dealing with my assault, physically and emotionally. Yes, we never forget what happened. Some go on never feeling the effects of an assault or even knowing they were assaulted. Remember, I did not consider myself a victim until a year and some change later. I believed I was okay, but I wasn't. If you are dealing with the same turmoil I received, do what is right for YOU. I am not saying you have to report. I am just saying, feel better about yourself, do not live in fear and constant shame, don't shut your friends and family out, keep pressing on and live a life to the fullest because at the end of the day, you and only you know what you have gone through. Take your time, be patient, but rest assured, good will come from the bad. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday, you will be yourself again.