Abuse is abuse. There is no way to sugar coat it or go around the fact. Emotional, physical, you name it; it's abuse. When I was in high school, I was head over heels in love with the "bad boy." He smoked, skated, had a license, and was always getting in trouble. Real catch, am I right? Well come around fall of 2018, ten years after we first met, our paths crossed again. I thought it was fate and that there was a real reason we reconnected; we were meant to be together.

Emotional abuse is a silent killer. It can creep into your life little by little, slowly taking over everything you've ever had in your life. I remember thinking that I had finally found the one person to handle me at my worst, to deal and help me with my depression and anxiety, but I didn't. I spent nights tossing and turning wondering what I was doing with my life before I found him and after i found him, I was tossing and turning wondering what I did so wrong to him. When those thoughts entered my mind, I should've known something was up with my relationship.

Here's the backstory to all of this; Him and I met when I was 14 and he was 15 almost 16. We were in high school and I was over the moon for him. He had an off and on girlfriend when we met and we started out as just friends. I noticed I starting liking him quickly into our friendship around the spring of our sophomore year. So, me being me, I pursued him and sure enough I got him to like me back and we dated for about 3 months. Throughout that time, a lot of my friends warned me about him and how he was with women but I was 14 and dumb. I didn't want to believe them; any of them. Well, we broke up, and then senior year came around and I had the bright idea of dating him again and this time 5 or 6 months went by and I was still hearing everyone talk about how I could do better and how I must be nuts to be with him. He barely graduated high school, he wasn't going to do anything with his life but I loved him anyway. I knew I had a path and I figured he'd just come along with me on mine. We separated after our time together in high school. My Junior year of college we reconnected shortly but only talked, He was and still is the only boy I can talk to and naturally "I love you" will flow out of my mouth like it was meant to be said in that exact moment. No matter how much time has passed between us. Sad isn't it?

Growing up, I had zero clue as to what my parents lives looked like before me. It wasn't until I was 18 that I found out my mom had been married before and that he was abusive towards her. She had always been a tough lady and I am very proud to have her, but knowing all of that; why didn't I notice the signs? Is "falling in love" really that blinding to someone? Not being able to notice when someone isn't the right one is WAY different than noticing that someone is abusing you. You don't want to believe what everyone is telling you about them, you feel like everything is perfect in the relationship.

When we reconnected again this last time, we didn't live in the same town anymore as we did before so things were a bit more complicated. I've been in two serious relationships in my entire life. The first one was with the boy I thought I was going to date until college and then find the one, and the other with the absolute love of my life so I wasn't sure what this relationship had to offer but I was excited to find out. We started texting on and off for a few days, that led into talking everyday for hours at a time and then eventually a phone call here and there. Now, I was falling fast at this point; the way every girl will when something is new and exciting at the beginning. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time, and I mean hours we could sit and watch tv together from 8pm and hang up at 3am. It didn't matter, we were so in tune with each other.

Late night calls became few and that is when he started blocking me. Now, that doesn't seem like anything but if they guy you're dating is blocking your number randomly; something is up. I didn't see how he would gaslight me into thinking it was me who caused that to happen. He would blame my anxiety of taking over me and causing me to freak out and that I was crazy and everything in between. I would lay in my bed for hours wondering what I did that was so bad that he would do this to me. I was just shocked that this is how he was treating me; but I wasn't ready to say anything to my friends or ask for help. He blocked me to cheat, he blocked me to play sick mind games, it wasn't a fun relationship.

Emotional abuse isn't easily seen my our eyes, it can be hidden under laughs and smiles because that person just wants to be loved. Now looking back, I didn't see how much hurt he caused me when I was younger, how he made me feel so small and jsut emotionally broke me down to the point where I wasn't sure if I was worth being loved. I still have panic attacks at night when I think about him loving another girl over me, but then again; I shouldn't be sad that he's gone. i've gone a few dates since and I can't completely get myself to feel comfortable around a guy because I'm still so nervous I'll get destroyed in the end.

I'm messed up, let's face it. This relationship killed me. I am so emotionally done. I was pushed around, laughed at, sent into panic attacks over a guy who didn't even care to break up with me the right way but instead have his friend text me saying "yeah she's too much, she worried about me too much." Well, good luck kid because you destroyed the only person who probably ever really did.