A letter to the boy who just wasn't ready for me

You are driving 40 minutes to pick me up from my house across the water. I can already tell by the texts that you are more eager about this date than I am. You are excited and happy while I am a nervous wreck. I don't even know what to wear. Or if I should have my makeup be natural for you or do my best to impress you. You are on your way to pick me up and 20 mins away and slightly speeding you just told me. DAMN! this kid wants to see me right now I say to myself. I am thinking the worst, you're just a typically f*ckboy and just want some. I hop in your car and the first thing I see is those eyes of yours. Can I just say, snapchat and facetime do not do you justice. You were looking smooth as ever and I had you to myself tonight. You would tell me later once we were boyfriend and girlfriend that you hate your brown eyes but I couldn't stop staring at this moment. You also proved me wrong with me thinking you were going to be a jerk. Tonight, you refuse to let me pay for food or give you money back for the basketball game you took me to. I love sports! Thanks for not taking me to dinner and movies btw. You know I am far from basic and a college basketball game, McDonalds and the Virginia Beach Boardwalk at midnight are more my style. Our first date just ran so well. No awkwardness and no silent tension. It was like we had been best friends for years the way tonight went. I offer to slip you a 20$ for gas fairs but you want to treat me to the best tonight. You have the honor of taking me on MY FIRST DATE. Congratulations, you are playing your cards well too! But all too soon you started to gamble instead of enjoying the game of love.

A few months pass and you are breaking this wonderful thing between two people without officially saying you want to break up. You did this. This is wrong. This is juvenile and so shallow. You ignore me instead of being an adult and communicating.

I am not lying when I say I am crying more over us than any Nickolas Sparks movie ever did. But these tears are not for you. They are for me, this is me letting you go.

You just can’t handle what I give and that is okay.

The first month with you was perfect! Again, for the 100th time... No one has treated me like you have, you are amazing. But soon it’ll turn into you not giving a single minute of your day to me. Up until a month before you ended things, you could make me smile every damn day. Hearing your voice, seeing your face gives me my lil fix. That smile ‘was’ so much more powerful than any drug I can take. I am a needy person. Sorry, not sorry. But I crave that week we had together and I truly want it back. I wish we could have been like this through our whole relationship. However, we were not going to be. Oh well.

I do not know what went wrong or what either one of us was doing to make this happen. Just suddenly you are not sure about our relationship. We are amazing we are fine! But with being more than a month away from another during school you are starting to push. You rarely want to talk and you only answer my calls after you said I can call you. It is almost like a surprise when you answer. You need to be upfront with me and not the coward you are currently acting as. Things should not have ended up like this.

Tonight, you dumped me. You left me without any reply, and avoided me when I was honestly trying to fix things, fix us. Of all days too- the day before I was supposed to travel to see the person I am falling for. I swear; today, before the argument happened, while I was getting my nails done to look nice for you, was my best day ever. I don't ever remember being this happy. Happy to see someone that I guess did not want me to be with him anymore. Killer right?! I will never ask you how or why you changed your mind about me. I mean our first week, the way we were together and the month that followed (before the awful weeks later) with maximum long distance effort, I knew I was one day going to fall in love with this kid.

As soon as I find out your relationship status is changed and that is unknowing to me. I am livid. I am swearing at you and going crazy. However you are still ignoring me, not answering my calls, typical. Nothing has officially been said from our conversation that said we are done. You just continue to ignore me like our relationship never happened. This is breaking me in two pieces. I physically feel part of me has (officially) left. Ya, it might be true I don’t like what was going on now but I did not say I am done trying things with you and you haven’t either.

I know you didn’t get my last message because I know you have blocked me. :’( But you need to know how I truly feel. Therefore I have yet another letter for you. However, this one is not full of kisses, hugs and cuddles for you, it is full of heartache compassion. I honestly apologize for being bitchy and '''not letting go'''(???) but at the time you deserved that, all of it. I mean how or why was I going to let go of something I want so badly when you pulled what you had done and how it was done let me not add.

The text I sent you was horrible and again, I am sorry. It was heat of the moment and I shouldn’t have said that I hated you, because I did not, I do not hate you. I should’ve been understanding especially with the past arguments being about lack of communication and planning to visit (not visiting). Like why the hell did you think I wanted those two weeks together for Spring Break. I needed to be with you in person - your voice is seriously so beautiful, by bad, handsome*. If calling couldn’t fit into our schedule or is not "your thing" then I want to hear it in person. Another reason I it is me visiting first. I truly just want to make plans with you.

I do not know what you’re thinking now but please do not let it change what you feel. I truly am sorry for lashing out on you. That’s wrong for me to do. I get myself so caught up in happiness and plans with you that when I heard last minute they were not going to happen, you best believe I am mad. It sucks that Spring Break can’t work, but I now understand why you might have be uncomfortable.

I don’t want our last conversation to be that one we had over text, but it was and that is completely and ultimately your fault.

You told me today that ‘your eyes are open” these words will play over and over in my head for a few weeks. If your eyes are open to a long-distance relationship being hard, then, yes I know it is. I did not think I was ready for it either. However, the way you made me feel, made me tell myself I was finally ready to love again. Those words trapped me in a limbo-like coma until I questioned myself why I am so caught up in you and why I am still attaching myself to someone so impractical to relationships (of any kind)

Again, I truly just want plans with you. I remember you even asked me to pick you up from school without any concern for financial reasons and then suddenly you were concerned about the money I was spending on you. Well, I earned that cash and I want to use it towards something I want! Calling you out, but if Spring Break plans could not happen, then you should have started to make other arrangements to see another. Like maybe when we were both going to be home...?

Each time you were in practice or in class and I knew you could not call or answer my FaceTime calls. Or when we were bickering over silly stupid shit. I would go on your Facebook page and look at your bio.

From Chesapeake

Goes to Thiel College (All honestly, the least of my worries.) I would go down to the,

'In a Relationship with' and it would say "You"

That was another one if my fixes. God D*NM not as good as that voice let me tell you, but still okay. It got me all warm and happy inside and I said, "YEAH that guy, that guy is a dating me!" It had that little gray relationship heart by it too. But when I saw single, without even knowing that you were going to do so and then unfollowed/ unfriend me / probably deleted my number, I could Not even get through Biology lab without having it obvious that I was crying. My instructor even pulled me aside and asked if I was alright and told me to go home. I gave you a call after I had left lab of course it went directly to your voicemail; and told you that you did not have to come pick me up at the train station in Pittsburg the next day. But honestly, you probably would not have shown up anyways.

I also hope you listened to that call of mine. I hope you heard the pain in my voice and it cracking more times than there probably were seconds to the call.

What you did was so childish, low and middle school and I would never even think about doing that to someone. Under no circumstances was it okay to treat me like that. But you did it to me. You were just undeveloped emotionally and mentally for this when I came into your life.

If you have gotten this far in the letter, just know that you will always be part of my memories, I promise. I am going do my best to forget the last weeks of our relationship and only remember the greatest that we had together.

How you treated me in the beginning, I will be sure to find a guy that treats me like that every day no matter where each one of us lives during our relationship. You taught me something through our relationship and I will never give you the satisfactory of knowing what that is. I know I taught you something and that was how to properly value a significant other, which is what you failed to do for me.

I wish you the best and I hope school gets better for you so you can play on the Volleyball team in the Fall 2017 semester. I hope you are having fun with your fraternity and they are teaching you how to be a better man. I pray you got your internship/summer job so you have so cash to spend here and there for fun. And I hope you find a girl at Thiel that you will treat better than you did me. However, you will never again find someone that treats you as amazing as I did and that is where you lost. You just were not ready for what I was giving you, and that is okay.

Even though you truly will never believe it you're still my best decision, no matter what has happened. I am still happy I said yes to your date request at the start of our journey and I am also significantly happy I could call you 'Mine' even if it was for a short amount of time in our lives.

'Maybe', just 'Maybe' we will fall into another's life again one day.

(You. Are. My.)
Best Decision Ever,
Kristina Nicole Herrman