"You are worthy of health, wealth, happiness, and love."

I wrote these words in a journal one year ago. I thought I had my life figured out. Once I accepted my new job in the corporate world, I thought my happiness would spark again. I was still feeling lost.

Maybe lost isn't the word. I knew where I was going; I knew where I was heading. Nevertheless, something inside felt off. I thought after all the selfish choices I had made to better myself, that I would feel whole. One year ago in my journal I wrote that I was worthy of health, wealth, happiness, and love. I would not have written that if I felt I was already in possession of those things in my life. In an attempt to break down my affirmation, I came up with the below:

Health – I was healthy as could be. Taking time for self-care, journaling, exercising, meditating, and learning. I was making sure my mind and body were both healthy going into this new phase in my life. I was striving to be the best version of myself. There was obviously room for improvement, but I knew I was working towards being my healthiest. I was worthy of my health due to the effort put forth to get there.

Wealth – Not just monetary wealth, but wealth in other aspects as well. I was making career moves, which was helping with the monetary wealth, but was also focusing on wealth of time. The retail world, especially through the holidays, was taking up a whole lot of my personal time. I was looking forward to regaining a wealth of time through my career move. Having time back with the people that mattered most to me.

Happiness – This is where I started to question. Did I feel as though I was not worthy of happiness? Was I being too selfish in setting myself up for success?

I started to look back on my experience that led me to where I was at that point. Three years ago, I had written a blog titled "Happiness First". I was at a point in my life three years ago where I was allowing other people's happiness to come before my own, concerned about what others would think. Three years ago I was career focused, knowing that my career was making me unhappy. Now, it was different, I felt different. I kept telling myself "You are worthy of being happy. You have worked hard to make yourself happy. You are worthy of all the happiness coming your way." I always worked so hard to make other people happy, that I felt I earned the happiness I had worked so hard for. So why did I write that I was worthy of all of health, wealth, and happiness, if I had already felt so strongly that I deserved them?

Lastly,

Love – A strong word. One that holds a lot of meaning. I have a lot of love in my heart to share. It is my best characteristic, but my biggest flaw. I give so much love and care, but find that people take advantage of my heart more often than I should allow them to. For too long I allowed relationships to take advantage of my kindness. I felt worthy of receiving love, but what was making me question myself was the love I was getting in return. What I found after writing my affirmation in my journal: I was not getting the love I deserved in return. I was worthy of the best kind of love.

I stopped. I thought about this for a while. I am loved, but am I being loved in the way I need to be loved? In the way I deserve to be loved.

I am worthy of someone who loves me so deeply that I would never have to question their love.

I am worthy of someone who is proud of me, not someone who will talk down on me because of their own insecurities.

I am worthy of someone who will brag about my success instead of someone who finds every reason as to why I do not deserve it.

I am worthy of passionate, selfless, unconditional love.

Instead, I was surrounding myself with someone who loved me, but not nearly in the way I should have been loved. I sacrificed years of myself to ensure he was happy, always putting him first, helping him work on himself. Three years ago, I finally put all of that effort towards myself, saw the benefit, and found that all along, I should have been focusing on ME. If the person on the other end didn't want to love me harder, it would never happen. You cannot change someone who does not want to be changed. I learned this three years after all my efforts, feeling as though I had wasted a lot of time on someone who did not appreciate me.

I am hard on myself for not realizing this sooner, but I am grateful for the experience I went through. I learned more about myself over the last three years than I would have otherwise.

As 2019 closes, I am happier than I have ever been. I am in a relationship with a guy who respects me, motivates me, challenges me, but mostly importantly loves me the way I deserve to be loved. I found someone who appreciates the love I give and returns that same love if not more. 2019 has shown me how strong I can be, how allowing yourself to come first in your own mind can give you so much power. I would have to go back to 2016 me and tell her that yes, happiness comes first, but more importantly, YOU come first. Cheers to a stronger 2020!