Since losing my father at 13 almost seven years ago, I've seen so many articles from other girls who have lost their dads at a young age describing what it's like. Every single one always mentioned how they are never going to have their dad meet the man of their dreams, and "give" them away at their wedding, and how that their dad was the first man they ever loved, and every other heteronormative stereotype you can think of.
Which is fine, for the straight girl who lost her father.
But what about the girl who is never going to be able to tell her dad she's queer?
What about the non-binary kid who's dad died knowing them as their dead name and the wrong pronouns?
Me, I came out as bisexual when I was 18, five years after my dad died. So, definitely not totally straight. Maybe I will meet the man of my dreams one day. Maybe I'll get married to him. However, my dad never owned me and there definitely would have been no "giving" me away if he was still around anyway. But there's the possibility of my future partner not being a man, and I sure as hell wish my dad could meet any partner that I'm proud to be with.
My dad died thinking I was a straight girl, and I never got to tell him who I truly was. That hurts more than him never being able to walk me down the aisle.
I was lucky I was raised by two parents who supported the LGBTQ community and I know if my dad was still around he would have supported me unconditionally and would have loved to meet any significant other I brought home. Maybe he wouldn't have totally understood the bisexual thing, but he would have come around and been happy for me no matter what. I can't imagine the intense struggle it must be for a queer kid who knew their parent probably wouldn't support them if they were still alive. That has to be a pain worse than I can understand.
So, to the queer kid with the dead dad, you're not alone. Everyone who lost a parent has their own story and it's not always the one that's most shared. Being a parentless teenager is hard enough, but figuring out you're queer is another added layer to an already stressful situation. Trauma is immeasurable and however you dealt with the grief of losing a parent and learning something that can be incredibly hard to grasp about yourself is valid and you deserve recognition. I'm with you.
Love,
A queer 20-year-old with a dead dad
