This one is for the people who are questioning what they're worth, and if they're worthy of someone. People are placed in our lives to either be a steady constant, or a lesson who eventually leaves. A lot of times when you get out of a relationship whether by your choice, theirs, or mutually someone is going to question their worth. They're going to rethink the standards in which they came to that person. It is inevitable not to rethink something about what brought you to the relationship, or something about the relationship. What i learned here recently is that i didn't need to do that. I didn't need to make myself feel less than what i am really worth. I am worth something. I will not settle.
I have always been a girl that did not need someone else. I never outwardly searched for a boyfriend all through high school. Sure i talked about it and joked around about it but i did not NEED one. I was fiercely independent and strong willed. I was my own person content with being alone. I was happy doing my own thing and making myself a priority. All my friends were always in committed relationships so sometimes i did feel like the odd ball out not being in one. Eventually i did get into one and it was great. I will never say that i regret something that taught me a life lesson or taught me something about myself. And that's exactly what that relationship did.
I had lost myself in the midst of finding someone else. I no longer thought about what made me happy. I was focused on the other persons happiness. I wasn't demanding the reciprocation of treatment that i was putting out. I saw this happening but i was too happy to care. I was too focused on what i thought was going to work for me to make this work. Until it wasn't. My efforts were no longer enough. Eventually we weren't happy anymore and it ended, and to begin with i was devastated. I had spent so much time and energy on someone who had ultimately decided i wasn't the cup of tea they were looking for. But you know what? That is OK.
It was time for me to re-find me. It had been over a year since i had to do some things by myself. I almost didn't know how. it was learning how to be alone all over again. And some days it sucked. It tore me down and made me question why i wasn't worth spending the time and effort on. I questioned my looks, my intelligence, my ability to love. I didn't know where to begin to rebuild myself and my confidence that i was worthy of someone and worthy most importantly, of loving myself. That was the real kicker. I had to get back to my pre-relationship self. The person who didn't need someone to know that i was worth something. It was time to reconnect with that kick-ass girl who loved herself.
Easier said than done right? I could tell myself until i was blue in the face that i was fine and that i didn't miss the relationship, but that didn't work. I had to deal with what i was feeling. I had to accept that i was not that same girl that i was before. I had changed. I had become someone new, with new experiences and lessons. I needed to accept that i had to adapt what i wanted to be with who i had become. Those two girls were different, but both had the same determination to be a part of me. I needed to let the two mix to create a better, new version of myself.
When i accepted that i was a different person it became easier. I started to see myself in a brighter light. I realized that i am still that kick-ass girl who loves herself, just needed to be a newer, improved version. I realized that i had let myself depend on someone else for the reassurance and happiness that i had given to myself before. I had let myself do everything that i said i never would.I re-found my passion for things that i had lost during that year. I ate alone and went shopping myself. I did things for myself instead of concentrating on everyone else.
This comes off as selfish. I know that. I know it sounds like ill never think about someone before myself or not put someone first. And that is partially true. I wont let someone come before my happiness and joy, but i will let someone share in that with me, be my equal in my happiness instead of my dictator.
What all that is leading up to is that you're worth it. You have to know what you want and understand that not everyone will be kind, and not hurt you. Sometimes you have to be hurt to learn a lesson. You have to lose who you thought you were to find the person you're supposed to be. There is lessons everywhere in life. Just understand that even if you don't have someone there building up your confidence or saying everything you want to hear, you don't need them.
"He is very dreamy, but he is not the sun, YOU ARE." - Christina Yang
