To any person who doesn't think life is worth it,
Your life matters. I lost one of my best friends a month and a half ago who didn't think his life was worth living anymore. And I can tell you what your friends and family are feeling and how you ending your own life will affect them.
You might be down in the dumps, contemplating why you exist. You might be asking God why He won't take you out of this miserable world. You might be incredibly mad at yourself, thinking you don't deserve to be alive because you're a screw-up and mess everything up. You might be sitting alone in your room, having stumbled upon this looking for a reason to stay, looking for a friend, looking for an answer. Well, don't stop reading.
Suicide is selfish.
When you end your life, you are not just affecting yourself. You are affecting everyone and everything around you. The people who love you, the people who were in your class, the people who you pass on campus, the people who were on your half. Even the people who you hate, your bullies, or anyone of that sort... their lives will be affected.
Your mom, who you talked to nightly will not understand what happened. She will have gotten up that morning thinking it was going to be another normal day at the office and go about her day. Till she gets a phone call that evening from a place hours maybe even minutes away telling her that her child is dead. She would be in shock and confused as to if they have called the right person. She will think that maybe it's a joke or maybe she has fallen asleep somehow, and this is just a dream. Your mom remembers how she talked to you just the night before and how you had sounded cheerful and happy, like you always do. She won't understand. She won't ever understand what happened. She will continue to ask God why He took you, why He couldn't save you, why He has put her in this position. Her life from this day forward will not be the same. She will have so many questions but even more unanswered questions.
Your dad who you talked to weekly will question himself and his own parenting capability. He would start that day normally and go to the set. He would be getting back from lunch when he gets a phone call from all the way across the country. The shock would not set in until the phone call ended. His life having just been flipped upside down. He will question why he wasn't there for you. If he wasn't a good father for not protecting you from life and from yourself. He won't understand what caused you to do it. He won't understand what went on or why. He won't ever know why. He will wish you had only waited to come live with him even if it was just for the summer. He won't understand why you couldn't have waited just a little bit longer. He will ask himself why you didn't reach out. He will just want to know why.
Why....
Your sister who does not live with your parents, who you love dearly won't understand. She will have had a boring day of classes like always and would probably be sitting in her dorm room doing homework when your mom called her. She will look at the picture on her desk of the two of you, and she will wonder if it is true. Her life will have shattered in two seconds. Your sister will blame herself for not pushing you further into what was going on in your head. For not pushing you for answers. She will wonder what she could have done to prevent this. She will wonder why you didn't get help. She will wonder what if she was there for you more. What if she went to the same school as you. What if she had answered your text the day before. What if she had come to visit more. What if you guys had spent more time together. What if she wasn't so stressed about school and graduation that she was more available. She will have so many what ifs with no outcome to ever happen.
Your best friends will have gone through the day like nothing happened. Your best friend will have asked you where you were and if you were coming to class but you didn't answer. Your friend who put this pieces together will be waiting for you to answer her snap. Your other best friend will be on his computer waiting for Discord to tell him you were online. The friend who put the pieces together will continue to have flashbacks to that day every time she pulls into the parking lot beside the dorm. She will never forget the feeling of anxiety and dread and wish that you would respond to her text or her Snapchats. Or that someone would. That she could get an answer and hold on to the shred of hope that she had that you were still alive. The other two would be lost- unsure what to do. Their who bodies consumed with anxiety, stress, and fear. They keep asking each other if they are okay. If they think you're okay. If they had known you were planning to do something. Your best friends will blame themselves. Why didn't they step in? Why weren't they able to help you? Why didn't they realize it was this bad? Why weren't they able to help? Why them? Why you? Why did you have to do it? Why did you have to hurt them so badly? Their lives completely flipped upside down. Their lives never going to be the same from here on out.
But that moment... that moment where you decided that was what was going to happen, you didn't think about them. You only thought of yourself.
Suicide is selfish. Suicide is contagious.
You are not just ending your life. Your ending others too.
Your life matters, however. You matter to a lot of people. You change people's lives, you affect their lives in positive ways. You bring light to at least someone in your life. You develop friendships and affect people's lives. You matter. Do not ever feel like you do not matter because you do. Everytime that you speak out, you're a little less alone. You will be found.
And another important thing... school and work are not more important than you are. Do not ever feel like they are more important. You are the most important thing. Sometimes it is okay to take a me day.
If you ever feel like ending your life or worried about a friend ask for help. Find a counselor to speak to. Get help. Even if that means just talking to a friend. And if you do not want to do any of those, call a Suicide Hotline. 1-(800)-273-8255
You are not alone in this world. You matter.
