Hi.
We don’t really talk to each other anymore and I think that’s for the better. You seem like you’re doing fine on your own and so am I. However, you came to my mind the other day and I felt like I just had to write this. Our relationship has always been these waves of being close or distant. In that final stretch, during our senior year, it really looked like we might have worked things out for good. But of course, we didn’t.
I’ve been thinking about our friendship. Not that it’s on my mind all the time, but I’ve been thinking about how it’s the one friendship I’ve had with someone where we got to truly know one another and it still failed. Usually, someone would cut it short at the beginning, but for some reason, we both still wanted this to work out.
Okay. Enough with the prose and prancing around it. I was a bad friend to you. I know that. I think I knew it when we still talked to each other too, I just never consciously said it to myself. You would call me out for stuff like not asking if you were okay after walking out that night or going around you to find an answer. In those moments, I never saw myself as doing something wrong. I never thought “I don’t care about your wellbeing” or “I’m going to be a sneaky snake and figure things out behind your back.” Everything that happened or didn’t happen just came naturally. And when you would point these things out to me, I was surprised because I never even realized I was doing them. But I know it was shitty because looking back on it, I know I wouldn’t do that to any other close friend. There was no reason to do that to you.
So, I’m sorry. Of course, I already told you that on each individual circumstance I was called out for. Which was too many. I think our relationship was one that was just never meant to be. From that first moment that I did something wrong, and when you gave me the silent treatment only to lead to more frustration. It just turned into an endless cycle of highs and lows, fights and periods of peace, happiness, and silence.
I think it was because I was afraid of you. I was constantly on edge about whether or not you would be mad at me the next day for something. You made me feel bad for not liking your music or saying something slightly incorrect. You made me not want to speak to you, or take risks, or be myself. It was a terrible feeling.
Was our friendship destined to be toxic from the beginning? Did our disappointment in each other come as a result of how we behaved or did it all form naturally? What came first, my poor treatment of you, or the fact that you made me feel disliked when I was trying to be your friend?
It doesn’t matter anymore. Every friendship has its highs and lows. Ours was just filled with a lot of them. I just wanted you to know that in some of those moments when you were mad at me, you were right to be. I'm sorry. I hope the rest of your life is filled with better friendships.
