Dear Snail People (better known as Sneople),

It has come to my attention, from my 18 years living down in the South, that people down here really, really, really like to take their time getting form place to place. By this I mean that a simple 5 minute walk from point A to point B ends up being an unnecessary 10 minute walk. Now I don't really care if your short stubby legs can't keep a faster pace, that doesn't bother me at all actually, but if your short stubby legs decide to walk directly in the middle of a walkway, congesting the flow of foot traffic, then I start to become a bit irritated. As we grow older in life we begin to realize that everything we do has some sort of common courtesy rule so that everyone can benefit. So guess what. Surprise, there's even common courtesy for walking somewhere. And this isn't some sort of recent discovery, ever since we've been in kindergarten we've always known about this courtesy so don't act so stunned about this. That being said, when the common courtesy law has been broken, shattered, and/or incinerated by your deranged ideology that your booty is good enough to take up the entire walkway, then the people who are either behind you or in front of you go into this sort of mental break-down about what to do. Well, at least I do anyways. So let me just educate you people about how people like myself handle situations like this.

Stage #1:

Listen to this knowledge I'm about to drop on you. If I am ever walking around with an oversize/overstuffed backpack on my back, then I can literally 100% guarantee you that I am not just walking around to enjoy the scenery. I will not be wanting to take my time to enjoy the weather, nor will I want to develop long-term back issues due to straining myself over carrying textbooks that we never actually use in class. But that's a whole other issue in itself. So If I am making the 5 minute trek from the cafeteria to the mythology building, then you better bet that I'm going to mentally explode when I see some girl walking in the middle of the sidewalk, chatting it up with her girl Tonya, and directly in my way.

Stage #2:

After I've some-what simmered down from the initial anger, I'll begin to assess my options regarding the situation at hand. You see, when you walk on the sidewalk, your flow of traffic is to walk on the right side of the path, because the opposite flow of traffic will be walking on their right side of traffic. So due to this, there is literally just enough room for everyone to walk on their respected side, with their being some comfort space in the middle. However, when just one singular individual decides they'll walk in our communal "comfort space" then you disrupt the whole flow of traffic. The whole flow! That means that I can't walk around you on the right because there's not enough room, but I also can't walk around you on the left because there are other people walking in the opposite direction. So just imagine the explosions going off in my head, because I'm am just losing my cool, and honestly my entire entity, about the whole thing, because listen, I am just trying to go to the class I am paying for so I can graduate form the institute where I pay ridiculous amounts of tuition to. So literally your girl Tonya can wait.

Stage #3:

At this point I've mentally raged, cried, and self imploded on myself as much as I humanly can. I've probably wasted a solid 3 extra minutes doing so, because while doing that I've had to walk behind your slow stubby legs.The time to act is now, because I've only got 3, maybe 4 more minutes before my teacher is going to walk in and then lock the doors to our lecture hall. I physically can't waste anymore time freaking out over your rude decision to dominate the sidewalk today. The first thing I'll attempt to do is go aorund the right side of you to avoid oncoming traffic. Unfortunately, your stubby legs also seem to have some girth to them, so you take up any available space to the right of you, cutting off my escape route. That means that I'll have to go to the left of you, which is like the sidewalk equivalent to crossing a five lane highway in the city.

Stage #4:

This is it, the moment of truth. Will I be able to skirt around you on the left? Am I indefinitely stuck behind stubby legs until I get to my building? Will I ever meet people who understand common courtesy? Who freaking knows. But I can tell you one thing, because I am one awkward, shrewd, passive aggressive individual, I will be mentally playing out a simple walking around someone like it was that one scene from the Lion King with the buffalo.

So with that in mind, I bet you can imagine how much I am dreading having to walk around your inconsiderate, girthy, stubby body, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Thus, like some scene from a Disney channel spy movie, this sort of spy montage will play out with that music that everyone knows. I'll quickly, and over dramatically, stick my head out to the left and peer around your non-moving body. I'll see that no one is coming, so I'll quickly pick up my pace and begin to pass you. But just wait.

Out of left freakin' field some dude will hurriedly be making his way directly towards me. In that moment we'll awkwardly and intensely lock eyes. A look of sheer dread and horror will wash over my face. The panicking will quickly follow suit as I almost leap in front of girthy girl to get out of the way of apparently some athletic sprinter. Almost having died from not just a massive collision (if we collided we literally would have just tapped each other and been like "Oh."), but being extremely awkward, I'll realize that the storm has passed and I can once again see the sun. So I have to pretty much run to my class and I'll just barely make it to my class on time.

Moral of the story is this: either walk with the pace and flow of foot traffic or get the heck out of dodge, because one of these days I'm actually gonna hurt someone from my awkward and uncomfortable freak outs just to get around you. So next time, just tell Tonya she gonna have to wait.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Just Wants To Graduate College

P.S. I ended up just barely making it to class on time and then it turns out we had a pop quiz. #IDidn'tHaveAScantron

#TurnsOutStubbyLegsWasInMyClass