Dear Parent,

You know who you are when I say parent. The one who named me the millisecond I came into this world, the one who tried to make my childhood as spectacular as the child next to me in the park, and the one who loved me unconditionally no matter what happened between you and the family as a whole.

As a baby you know I had no idea what was going on in the world so for all I know you could've been a vanishing act like Kenny in South Park (as sad as that sounds),

but all along it was you hiding behind the couch playing hide-and-seek with me while the other parent was at work. As I got older and you have to keep leaving the house when it wasn't for work you had no idea how much I worried. Even when I was supposed to act like I knew you were coming back you didn't, sometimes not until the next day, or the next week. It almost felt like this was happening:

When you did come home and when you were able to stay home I was so happy no matter how much I tormented you and randomly got you emotional; but let's face it, it was my job to drive you mentally insane no matter what, not yourself. There were moments you caused yourself so much harm all I tried to be was there for you even know I had no idea what it was you were doing. More years go by, I find out what you're doing and that none of it was my fault, or any of the families in that matter.

I know it's tough raising me in general but I thought I was doing okay for you, I thought nothing could result to you doing this. You went and did your own thing, left home and tried to make yourself feel better. All I could think before knowing what you've been doing your whole life was:

Who could you have be if you never did this? Now we are in this process of finding out that answer. For some the road to recovery was successful and I was able to feel comfortable around you while other days I wouldn't want to talk to you or even look at you even though you tried so hard. One day of breaking the streak, possibly more, and I know I shouldn't blame you; the brain is a power tool and I never knew that at the age I was.

That last time I saw you was one of the greatest days of my life, we were all one big happy family and nothing could've ruined it. Not until months later when I found out that day was going to be the last time I saw you. All I could do after hearing you passed away was sit in a quiet space and try to fight back the tears.

Several years have past and all that can ever pass my head everyday is your service and all the memories we had. I was even thinking I never had the closure conversation both of us would've wanted like everyone else in the world did. That's what I truly wish now and the few times I was able to visit your grave; I had to fight back all emotions so the rest of the family couldn't see what I really would've been like.

I know in some way, whether I visit you at your grave or I'm sitting in my bedroom, I know you're watching me and seeing how far I came in life. I wish you were there for the big moments, like graduating high school and moving day to college; even the small ones like cooking without burning down the house. Just know, even with the ups and down we had when you were here, I will always love you, miss you, and keep you in my heart. I have also kept this lesson in mind every time you pass on by:

This is all I do now in days and most days it turns out successful. I know others who may not share the same story but the same experience so I know I'm not alone if I do end up going too far in the emotion deep end. Hopefully, you watched me write this whole thing and you keep watching me and all my moments in life as it keeps moving forward.

With Much Love,

The Child You Cherished Since Day One