If I could possibly put into words my feelings, and make you really, truly feel and understand my experience, I would. But text can only go so far. Time has shown me that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t make someone understand what you so desperately need them to. Text messages and conversations conveying a feeling can’t put you in that person’s shoes. Sometimes they can breed empathy, but there’s always a distance between two hearts that is impossible to cross.

It’s a strange and scary feeling when a person becomes important to you. Suddenly, you have something to lose. Suddenly, there’s a possibility that one day, that person could walk away and leave you with a void they once filled and that you never knew existed. But it is also beautiful. When two people connect in a way that creates meaning, there is inherently a sensitivity associated with that person, the person who has truly seen you.

I felt that with you. When you came into my life, you brought excitement, vibrancy and an intense love that rocked my world and that I was terrified to lose. I began to leave my individuality behind, choosing instead to become as immersed in you as I could be. I had never experienced this before, this total and absolute commitment to someone else’s soul. I think what is most precious was our time together that no one else saw. The nights spent talking about things no one else knew, the vulnerability, the stronger and stronger I watched our connection grow.

I can’t begin to put into words the feeling when I saw it starting to wane and become strained. I no longer recognized the person in front of me, and watched the person I loved so deeply fade away and turn into someone new, someone I didn’t and couldn’t love. Because it wasn’t you. Yes, it was you in the sense that you were still the same person, the same identity. But the version of you I knew was nowhere to be found. Now, thinking back on us grappling with these changes, I understand a lot of the negativity that grew to be our constant. We didn’t know what to do with the subliminal information that we weren’t the same people as before.

I’m truly not writing this from a place of anger or sadness. Yes, I experienced both of those feelings with an intensity I didn’t know was possible. But now, in retrospect, I’m viewing our story with a sense of peace. Surely, it was one of the biggest defining moments in my life so far. As painful as it was, I learned and grew on my own so much after you left. Because I had to.

I understand that people change and relationships grow apart, be they friendships or romantic interests. It would be illogical to assume two people would have the same love for a long time. For many, they are able to grow together and change that love to fit the current versions of themselves. But that wasn’t possible for us, and it’s really OK now. We changed. Neither of us is the person we were when we loved each other. You were once the most important person in the world to me, and now I rarely see you, and when I do I still don’t recognize you.

I felt the desire, the need to meditate on this change. Even now, I’m not sure I’m putting the feelings in my heart into the right words. The person I once loved is now gone, but I am who I am because of the past you, because of the person that is no longer in my world. And I’m extremely grateful to have known you and loved you with all my heart, even in its brevity.