Dear you,
You know who you are.
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Just understand, I DID NOT want to say goodbye to you, but I had to.
I had no fight left in me. We constantly got into arguments, we started pushing each other away, we tried to out do each other, which one could hurt the other more. It all become to much for me to handle.
You taught me a lot though, that one day I will learn to thank you for. You taught me that love can be amazing and beautiful thing. But, you also taught me that love will keep you up until midnight crying softly to yourself, wondering how much more pain someone can endure.
When I left you I was lost, I didn't know what I felt anymore, I was both happy and sad at the same time. I would never tell how I felt, I would always stay quiet, and keep it all to myself. I had lost so much in the past year and gained so little, I would never feel good enough for anyone, not even for myself. I will laugh and I will smile, I will act like everything is okay, but I know I am living a lie, behind my smile, I am holding a broken heart. I will forgive over and over again just because I am afraid to lose someone who never even saw my real worth. I expect too much and I never learn to let go, I got attached too fast, and when the time came, you took a part of me with you.
I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I'll dream of you. Because it's you about you, it's always about you.
But here is the truth, things work out. They do. Even if it doesn't feel okay for a long time, or even if it feels like things will never be okay again, everything works out in the end.
But I do hope you find someone who doesn't make you sad at night and someone who reminds you how much they love you everyday and who laughs at your jokes and wants to listen to your music and who genuinely wants to be with you and doesn't make you second guess their love for you. I really hope you find that. Because you deserve that.
I haven't seen you since we said goodbye, I don't know if it makes it harder or easier. I think if I ever get the chance to see you again, I will break. I don't think I will be able to look you in the eye and see you smile and hear your voice and still be able to say "this is not what I want anymore". I don't think I will be able to look at you because every day, every damn day since I said goodbye to you, I regret it, every day.
There is a song that I listen to, over and over. It reminds me of us, of the way we ended things. The lyrics go like this:
"I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t four am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man"
-Little Big Town, A Better Man
But the thing is, you were a great man, an amazing man.
The thing that hurts me the most is that we never really said goodbye, we just ended.
Know that I will miss you, walking away was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but in the end it was to keep from hurting you more, and I hope one day you'll come to understand that.
Sincerely,
The one who left, but didn't want to
