Bright lights in the big city can be blinding.
In just a few days, my childhood, adolescence, and I will be packed into a family van, cruising the Lincoln Tunnel, and on our way to New York University. As I prepare for what others claim will be the “best four years of my life,” I can't help but tighten the knot in my stomach that fears the lack of direction I have for these years. My ambivalence has been a powerful force in all of my life’s decisions and it is relentless.
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What do I want to do? This one simple question has functioned as a broken cassette tape, replaying time and time again by numerous people with no personal investment in my future. It has kept me up for many nights and stolen my focus for many days. I find the question harder and harder to answer as I devote more and more time to finding the right one. As college draws near, it's mere unanswered presence in the back of my mind leaves me feeling like a timorous and tentative disappointment to both myself and those around me.
I spent a majority of my life in suburbia and my general goals fell into the categories of returning to the city where I grew up and figuring out my life when I got there. While my high school friend’s dreamed of affluence, summer homes, and hearty families, I dreamed of a life with claustrophobic streets, strange smells, and even stranger people. Having spent my childhood in Queens, the early years of my existence were celebrated in diversity, vibrancy, and constant change. As a wide-eyed toddler, the city gave me new sights and experiences every day. That is where I fall short. I knew where I wanted to go but never what I wanted to do. Because I am used to having my passions lie in a sundry list of subjects and activities, I was never able to hone in on just one thing that I would want to do for the rest of my life.
I am an undecided major. The thought of that reality used to scare me, and it surely received a few concerned remarks. But I am starting to realize that there's nothing wrong with feeling lost. I am merely an eighteen year old girl that has yet to make a decision that will determine the path of her life forever. I think that taking a little more time to decide is warranted.
So to the next person that asks me what I want to do, all I have to say is this: I will get back to you.
