Being young is easier, no matter what anyone says. Life seems more wonderful and the lights twinkle a little bit brighter. Most importantly, love seems to be a simpler concept to grasp. My entire teenage years were spent in angst of social agendas and countless nights were spent agonizing about the meaning of things that had no meaning. One of the biggest topics was love. I thought I was in love with everything I knew I liked even a little. I was in "love" almost every week, all with different boys who knew enough to get a teen girls attraction. I was young and ready to play the field. Problem was, I didn't even know the rules yet, I jumped right in. This went on for quite a number of years before I hit adulthood.
Going into my young adult phase wasn't any better. Love had become childish and relationships became a hassle. Finding yourself and working hard to better yourself became my new mantra. I was finding myself in my work and my successes were what brought me happiness; not a text saying "I love you" from a cute boy. I thought I had matured past things like love.
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This way of thinking was not right either. As I found myself seeing couples on the streets of New York, and videos of happy couples laughing, I realized I missed my teenage years. I wanted to go back to the time when I thought I was in love and nothing else made me happier. Sadly, because I had "matured", such thoughts were viewed in my mind cynically.
So I'm stuck.
I want to go back to that time when loving another person was easy but I can't bring myself to do it. To be more precise, my heart's not all in it like it used to be. My emotions don't sway, my heart doesn't beat as fast and the fairytale filter is gone. It seems all I can do now is tolerate and try to look past bad qualities. Which honestly, sucks. Even if I try to whole-heartedly love the person of my choosing, it's not the same picture-perfect relationship I thought I had before. The older I become, the more I see flaws and hidden motives. The older I become, the more disbelieving and skeptical I am. If there's one thing humans can not do, it's lie to themselves. You can trick yourself for years, but deep down, you know what's real and what's not. So it only goes without saying I can't lie to myself either. I can't tell myself the other person is everything I've ever wanted like I used to believe so often when I was younger.
So to the me that loved so easily with such sureness and confidence, try not to forget what that's like. It might not be real and it might not last as long as you think but in the moment it's real, and that's good enough.
