So badly, I wish that you understood the amount of destruction you continue to cause to my child’s life. So badly, I wish that I could tell you something and have it actually sink in. And so badly, I wish that you cared more about my son than you care about yourself. I will never utter the fact that I regret meeting you, because that would mean regretting my child. But if there were a way that I could erase you from my entire existence and still be left with the same person that I had the privilege of putting on this Earth, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I never quite understood why you had to be such a prominent piece of my history. I don’t think I ever will. But I do know that I will work my entire life erasing from my son the marks that you leave on him with your negativity and carelessness. I made a promise to both my unborn child and myself a while ago that I would do my absolute best to fix the things that I had shattered long before his heart began to beat. I promised that I would become a better person, a better woman and a better daughter. I promised that I would build a life that would continue to elevate my creativity and showcase my successes.

Most of all, I promised that if I ever became a mother – God willing – that I would surely have the best and most stable environment to bring a child into. The latter failed to make my personal promissory note, and because of that, I’ve spent the past two and a half years trying to establish a basis for the upheaval of my entire life. I felt as though I were the one who had poisoned my family, and as though I were the one who needed to take the blame for any and all things that had a negative impact on the life of my son.

I’ve realized with much time passed in self-discovery, that it was, in fact, you who had struck the life that I once lived with blunt force. It was you that poisoned my family before my son had been conceived. It was you who had taken control of my entire existence and me from the day that we met. It was you that created the disheveled wasteland of a life that I had to live. And with that realization also came the understanding that I had a choice – I’ve had a choice since the beginning. I chose to be with you, I chose to let you make my decisions, and I chose to allow you into my family, whom I’ve kept tightly woven and close to my heart for all of my life. I chose to choose you instead of my friends, I chose to be the puppet, I chose to act and live the way that I did. I chose to think I knew it all, when I most certainly did not.

Although I recognize the fact that I have been granted the power of decision within the boundaries of my own life, I can say with confidence that you have the same amount of power within your own. And although I recognize the fact that I’ve made mistakes and will continue to do so until the day I turn to ash; I also take pride in knowing that I have the ability to learn from what I’ve done. For the same token, I know that you will never admit to a transgression in your sorry excuse for a life. All that you know and everything that you are is merely a compilation of other people’s attempts at trying to fix the pity you display as your existence. You’ve made it this far on nothing more than some hope and some help, and as far as I can see, you will continue to do so until one of the two is exhausted. You don’t lean on people for temporary assistance; you depend on them for succor. And when things go wrong, you never run out of people to blame.

I’m sorry that my son has to use you as an example. I’m sorry that you will never be worthy enough to see him in his true, untarnished glory. I’m sorry I made my child just another story about struggle. I need you to recognize and try to understand the damage that you’ve caused my son. I need you to know that for every success he encounters, you take him back to where he began. I need you to open your eyes and take off the blinders in order to see the world for what it really is – see yourself for who you really are. Those who know my story have already reaffirmed that my fight is one that’s inflicted upon me by both obligation and responsibility.

As a mother, I have a duty to ensure that my son is raised as a man and is held accountable for his actions – something that you will never be able to teach him. As a daughter, a sister, a niece, cousin, granddaughter and friend, I have a duty to wipe clean the slate of trust that was tainted when you broke the reliance I was granted to find a man worth incorporating into the lives of those who love me.

I will never bow; I will never break. I may bend, and when you see me bend, know that I am doing so for the betterment of my son, not for you. I have absolutely no respect for you and little for the people you keep as company because they are no better at self-dignity than you are. Whenever you think that you’ve defeated me, whenever you feel that you’ve got the upper hand, and whenever you feel me crawl beneath your skin – smile.

Smile because you’re ignorant, smile because you’re trying to prove something to the world that doesn’t need mentioning, and smile because karma is only as far as the actions you throw. Keep smiling – smile as I experience the amazing milestones in my child’s life with the company of my family and friends, smile as I grow my own success; smile as you watch my life blossom into the dreams that I regretfully shared with you back when I believed you were the person you think you are. Smile – not because you deserve to – but because you have to. Smile to keep from breaking, smile to hide the tears, smile to break the silence of your lonely life.

I will never stoop so low as to wish upon you anything that bears negativity, so I will offer up the previously mentioned suggestions for times when I feel I need vengeance. Yes, I want you to smile; I want you to smile while that little voice in the back of your head screams for help. I want you to bear the fake smile that I had to wear for years while sweeping up the rubble of my being that you left behind. Smile as you poison the child who’s glowing soul will fly him to the tops of mountains, who’s intelligence radiates more so than you will ever be able to take credit for. Smile as you destroy a young life with your ignorance and pettiness; because when the world sees you smiling as you commit these selfish acts, only then will they know you’re true intentions as I do.

---

Have Fun. Be Fun. Forever.
-Kourtni