It's called self-birth, ever heard of it? Apparently not, because every day people walk up to those who were spawned from no parents and have some unsolicited comment about how weird that is. Newsflash: No, it's not weird, yes, self-birthers exist. If you say any of these things to self-birthers, please stop embarrassing yourself and remove them from your routine. Please.

1. "I don't get it."

Well you see, Dr. Genius, it's all quite simple. I don't have parents. Never have, never will.

2. "So... You have no parents?"

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! I was born a child of the void by myself, of my own accord, absent of all matter. So no, I don't have any parents, smart one.

3. "But what about..."

Nope! Nobody created me in a lab, I'm not a robot and last I checked I'm 100% human, just like you. Only difference is I commandeered my genesis into this universe instead of being jettisoned into a womb as a seed and then incubated for 9 months. Shocking I know!

4. "You're adopted."

Oh, bravo. That's one of the best jokes I never get tired of hearing. NOT. I taught myself growing up that sometimes people will just want to ostracize me for being different, but it gets old after awhile.

5. "How do you make your bed?"

Same way as you. I make sure nothing is touching the floor and then leave the room.

6. "What do you think of Planned Parenthood?"

Listen: Just because my life force spontaneously erupted into this miracle we call existence without a traceable explanation doesn't mean I don't think everyone should have a right to reproductive healthcare. Why do you think that would change my answer?

7. "Will you ever have children?"

Will you ever understand?

8. "Do you know who the Adult Likers are?"

Do YOU know who the Adult Likers are?!

9. "Who are The Adult Likers?"

Anybody who's anybody has heard of The Adult Likers. Parents or no.

10. "Run, Forrest, run!"

Classic. Thought of that all by yourself, did you? Why don't you pay less attention to my blurring sprint speed as I arrive between the spheres and more attention to how basic you sound?

11. "You must be so lonely."

Only when people remind me that my very existence is enough to get turned down for a job. Other than that, I'm drowning in friends and happiness.

12. "You're so brave."

Spare me the false pitiful concern for the way I was born. I'm doing just fine, I'm no braver than you, I appreciate the compliment, but please just let me live normally.

13. "Whose permission do you get before going online?"

Nice one, Dane Cook.

I could go on all day about some of the nonsense I hear on the daily, but that would take way too long. Go now. Please tell everyone you know to stop treating self-birthers like outcasts and more like cosmic cousins from beyond the astral veil. Or I'll tell your parents.