Thank you for breaking me. It seems like an odd gratitude but I mean that with the deepest sincerity. It took almost 2 years of being in this relationship that I painted pretty for the world to see, to learn that faking it till you make it, is a complete and utter fail.
Faking smiles, heart felt letters on social media, anything that can make it seem like we were a happy home was the indulgence that led me to the falter of the hopeful prosperity that was our love. It crumbled week by week in the palms of my hands and I had to get out.
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When I left you all those times, I started the growth of a back bone. I was gaining my confidence back and it was made of steel. It didn't bend nor did it break every time I went back but it stayed put until I was leaving again only strengthening for the final end.
When the final end came, I was a mess. I was lost and had no sense of direction. I was alienated from my family for so long. They had no clue what was happening to me and felt I may be judged to have staid for so long, only to be welcomed home with open arms and understanding.
They put up with my fake smiles and my false integrity. My fake laughs and the empty "I'm fine, I promise" that I had on repeat. The staring at walls wondering where did I go wrong until it hit me.
I did NOTHING wrong to deserve the "love" you gave back.
Something came over me one day. I don't know if it was the exhaustion of trying to keep this façade that was easily transparent or if it was the fact I couldn't handle my issues in the manor I would have before. But, I took out the trash and wiped my hands clean.
After the toxicity of what we called a relationship ended and the smoke cleared, I picked myself off the floor. I dried my own tears, I told myself this pain was temporary and to have faith in my higher power to get me through. I became empowered on the thought of my own success with out you.
The girl that you had, turned into the greatest woman that you will have ever lost.
Thank you for breaking me. I am now stronger in my own faith and I will refuse to allow anyone to shake that. I am a woman that will never believe I have to succumb to the power over myself and I will never allow myself to falter to pressure of others again.
I was once the girl that used to care so much, giving everything in me to a boy like you, so undeserving, to one day being the woman giving my all to the one that will be the man that my heart deserves. As you should know, since I gave you my all at one point, it will be a love that can move mountains.
You showed me that love isn't the only component in a relationship. You need faith, trust, to be open, comfortability, and kindness.
You made me a woman that my future husband will thank you for. For me being the woman that stands her ground, that doesn't tip toe on the lines anymore. For being a woman that will not break to the rules of society making me believe that I have to change to become socially acceptable.
I became a woman that stands for love in the highest power whether it be for my significant other, my child, my friends, or even a stranger. I became a woman with great passion that does not include a fascination to mend the broken with my own soul. That is how you get left empty and what I have come to learn is you cannot pour milk into a measuring cup when the jug is empty.
I am rebuilding myself for a bigger, brighter, and more powerful life with the tools you gave me.
So thank you. For showing me that there is more to love than just love. Thank you for breaking me and making me into the strong woman I knew I'd become.
