I’ve known you for six years now. I was a freshman in college who barely turned 18 and I was fascinated with the new world around me. For someone who grew up in a small town with nowhere to go, you were pretty interesting in my eyes. You were the big time frat boy who had everything handed to him when he wanted it. Suburban boy from the outskirts of Cleveland (my Pittsburgh roots already hated me.) I was the nerdy girl who liked everything that dealt with the paranormal and boys who looked like Dean Winchester.
So what made you attracted to me in the beginning never really made sense to me…I wasn’t the type of girl you would have gone after at that time, nor any time after. However I trusted you. I trusted you more than anyone else I met at college so far. Maybe it was because you knew my family? Maybe it was because I was in an abusive relationship at the time and you made me feel good about myself. Maybe it was the attention that you were giving me, which I truly never had from another guy before, that led me to cheat on the cheater I was dating at the time…
In reality you were the second man that I gotten into bed with willingly. That alone could have played a part in my stupidity that followed our episodes during the next 4 years. It could have been that after the first time, you said it was never going to happen again. Yet you kept on coming back every chance you could get. In return, I got lead on more.
I cared about you so much that I went against my own code, and I cheated on the boy I was dating at the time. I tried to justify why it happened by thinking he was being an abusive prick to me for not one, not two, but almost three years.
But at the same time you cheated on your girlfriend too. So what did that mean? Why come back again if you only said it was going to be once? Why call me countless times over breaks and the summer? Why try to buy my jewelry when we both know I couldn’t explain it to my boyfriend without coming out and telling him that I was cheating on him with a man I barely knew?
Then one day you were gone. You were out of my life and ignoring every text I sent you. You made me second guess myself every way possible and yet I still liked you. I wrote it off as that you were busy over the summer and that you just did not have the time to waste on someone as insignificant as I was to you.
So I kept my mouth shut and I tried to become closer to my boyfriend as he became closer to other women…I even dyed my hair. My gorgeous, natural, red curly hair was gone because I needed a change from the heartache I was feeling every time I looked a picture or thought about you.
Any woman can tell you, when we cut or dye our hair we’re hurting for a real change. So I packed up my bags and my totes and shipped myself back to college-- with my new found blonde hair-- where I knew on the first day of band camp I would have to look at you again. You looked right back, long, hard, and with a hint of care in your eyes.
That night while I was with my friends unpacking my stuff-- flinging clothes and other dorm room essentials everywhere-- you texted me like nothing happened at all. When I asked for a reason as to why you were contacting me after a month or two of silence, you could not give me an answer. I should have ran then.
I should have ran like hell and never looked back at your gorgeous, whiskey colored eyes, and your charming smile that I could never get out of my head. I ended up right back in your arms a week later like nothing ever happened. I know I am also to blame for this; you’re not the only one at fault. However, when a kiss becomes addictive you just can’t get enough. So the cycle kept on repeating itself.
A year after you left college, my first senior year, you saw that I was not as healthy as I should have been. So you turned me to a weight loss program where something finally worked for me. Twenty-six pounds gone in three months and I dropped two pant sizes. I felt amazing, and I looked amazing. If it wasn’t for you, I would not have the body I do now, nor the self-confidence.
A year after that, I found out that you were going into ministry; something I knew you always wanted to do. I was so proud of you. You told me you did not find me sexually appealing anymore and you did not find sex enjoyable anymore in general. Alright, if that’s how you feel, cool. However you said we were still friends. You told me all the things you could and couldn’t do and I was alarmed by that given the type of guy you were. But I supported you anyway. That’s what friends do right?
About two weeks ago, I find out all of it was a lie. You still found me very sexually attractive, and you still wanted me just as bad. You even asked to come down and see me, knowing I am with someone else; someone we both went to school with. But I didn’t give in this time. I told you “no.” I stood my ground because I have a wonderful man by my side who loves and adores me for me. He sees the magnificent woman I am and saw the beautiful girl who he met during my freshman year.
Want to know the best part? He is not you.
He talks to me, actually talks to me. He answers any concerns and any questions I have so I can make sense of it in my screwed up head. The same screwed up head you had a hand in creating. He knows how to talk to me because you didn’t even try. You didn’t even try to help me understand why you kept on coming back.
The countless nights over the years I cried myself to sleep… All I wanted was an answer to the questions barking in my head day after day and you couldn’t give them to me. No, you chose not to give me the answers I needed to make sense; you still won’t.
You are an unhealthy person for me. Friend wise and love wise, because at one time I did have love for you. I can’t have that now. I refuse to love you ever again and that kills me. Six years gone of late night conversations, inside jokes, making me feel better and for what? All because you can’t give me the closure I need.
And as I am typing this, I see your name pop up on my cellphone. For once in my life, I’m the one who’s ignoring you…
Was it worth it?
