Usually, middle school crushes go away. You know, you like them for a few days and then you start crushing on someone else, as if the first crush didn’t even exist. Well, that’s not how it happened for me. My middle school crush stayed with me for years. And I’m not just talking through high school. Let’s put it this way – I’m 22 years old and I haven’t made much progress kicking this crush to the curb. He’s still very much a part of my life. Pathetic, I know. But after nine years, I think it’s time to give it up. So here are my final thoughts to the guy I’ve waited far too long for.

You should know I’m not mad at you. I’m more mad at myself that I’ve wasted years dwelling on the ‘what ifs.' I kept envisioning what our relationship would be like and I kept hanging on to the moments we shared, thinking they meant as much to you as they did to me. I clung to every word you said and maybe I thought too much into them sometimes. What you may have considered a friendship, I considered something more. And that’s on me. I just always thought we were worth a shot.

You should know that I understand. You’re just not ready for me yet. We are in two very different chapters of our lives. Perhaps we always have been. Our timing was always off. We may have wanted the same things, just never at the same time. So I get it. I can’t make you be ready for me. I’ve tried. And that’s OK.

You should know that I still think the world of you. Although it may seem as though I’m giving up on you, I’m not. Yes—I’m moving forward with my life but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll always be here for you. I’ll be there when you need a push in the right direction or when you just want to sit in your car and talk for hours. I’ll be there to try and make you smile when life gets to be a little overwhelming. I’ll continue to be your friend and your biggest supporter. I’ll just be doing so from the sidelines.

You should know I genuinely wish you the best. You’re seeing someone now, and although I’ll always wonder in the back of my mind what that must be like, I hope it’s everything you hoped it would be. I hope it’s a relationship that shows you what true love is and that makes you the best version of yourself. I hope she laughs at your awkwardness and pushes you to achieve your goals, no matter how far fetched they may be. I hope you never have to second-guess that she’s the one for you. Make sure your relationship is full of trust, honesty, and respect. Don’t settle for anything less than that. And if you find that you are, leave.

And lastly, you should know that I don’t regret any of it. Although the outcome may not have been what I expected, I treasure the friendship we shared. Yes, it was complicated. It was confusing. We got into arguments over ridiculous stuff. We pushed each other’s buttons in a way that no one else could. We drove each other insane at times. But underneath all that was a genuine, real friendship. I knew I could count on you and you knew you could count on me. When things went wrong in my life, you were my first call. You always knew how to calm me down, even without saying anything at all.

So thank you, guy I waited too long for, for being such a big part of that chapter of my life. As I move onto the next, please understand why I had to. I’m no longer going to wait around for you to make up your mind. I’m not obligated to do that. And as my friend, you should understand.