Hey You,
Believe it or not, I know how it feels. I know what it's like pushing people away when you get so close, when you finally feel happy. It's for protection, it's for control, it's to make sure that no one can hurt you. But don't you realize that you're hurting yourself? You're hurting yourself more than the chance of someone else hurting you. What happened?
Were you too happy? Did he say all of the right things? Was it that you'd catch him staring at you and when you asked why he'd say there was nothing else he'd rather look at? I understand your concerns, I do. Are these just words? Does he truly mean them? Is he trying to flatter you to get something from you that he wants?
It's so difficult to be able to trust someone else in this society that after you've been hurt for so long, your trust has been broken so many times that actually allowing someone to get close, so close that they could actually hurt you, seems scarier than any other fear there could be.
I went through a time about a year ago that I fell for every word a guy said to me; I fell for every loving glance he'd throw my way; I fell for him. In a short amount of time, I had played into his words and allowed him close enough to me that once his facade was over it crushed me. I closed off and I began pushing anyone too close away.
Strike one, right?
Approximately four months later I started to trust again. Luckily, I didn't fall for this guys words, his actions, any type of glance that he'd throw at me, but I enjoyed his company so much I didn't realize that I was settling. I knew I deserved more than the rare compliment and the demeaning words. I deserved someone who wanted to make me happy, who wanted to push me to be a better person, not someone who didn't care. I fell for lies, I fell into manipulation I grew tired of it. So I left.
Strike two.
It's been months since then, and I've tried to allow myself to be happy, but I realized that my supposed happiness has revolved around other people instead of myself.
That's not how it should be. If you're like me, I want you to know that your happiness has to start from yourself. It starts in your heart. You are beautiful and smart and you don't need to push anyone away anymore. I know it's hard to trust people but the less you trust, the more you'll hurt yourself. You'll create problems in your head and they'll haunt you. You'll give up your happiness by waiting for something to go wrong. Stop waiting for something to go wrong and just live each day—take each opportunity with a grain of salt and live.
Currently I am trying to focus on myself. I am trying to open up my guarded heart.
One day you'll meet a guy who compliments your happiness, who means it when he says that you're the view he wants to look at; when you actually ask if he means the things he says or if he says them to make you like him and get the reply, "I just say it cause it's true. If you like me, then that's just a bonus." You'll wish you could open your heart up, open your mind, and let your guard down.
So please, stay cautious, but be willing to let yourself open up to the chance to be happy.
