I have tried writing this article more than once, I have dug up photos, tried to remember our (few) memories and after everything I am still left here with a blank page. What do you write to someone you want to tell everything to? What do you write to someone who has missed so much yet really has been with you through it all?

First and foremost I think I should start with an I miss you.

This seems so typical and so common of someone to say in a situation like this but I miss you; you have missed so much. I remember looking out at the crowd and seeing the whole family there, but you were not. I remember going to the house in which a lot of my childhood was spent swimming, opening Christmas gifts and creating memories, but you were no longer there to do that. You were no longer there to share those memories. You were a picture on the shelf now. I remember wanting so badly for you to be at all those concerts I performed in (do not worry Grammy carried on your love for music and was always there), but it was never the same.

I remember sitting at my graduation, a day in which I had strived for since the first day of school, wanting nothing more than you there too - crying, cheering me on and taking pictures with me in my cap and gown. I remember being accepted to college and college move in, something I so longingly wanted you to be with me for, but you were not. The point is there are so many times in my life in which I wanted nothing more than you standing there with me, but I know deep down you were - either way; I miss you like crazy.

Secondly, I obviously need to update you.

I do not think you'd be proud of where our family is, but I think if you were here it would be very different. I will put this briefly; differences are not always put aside and people cannot always forgive one another - our family problems are nothing you would be apart of if you were here - but again you are not. Despite the problems, you would be proud of where we all are and what we are all accomplishing. Grammy has made so many memories and friends, and despite missing you and wishing you were apart of it all, she has succeeded. My dad is good, succeeding at work, a new marriage, and raising a college kid.

I know he wants nothing more than for you to meet his wife and be here now, but you watching from above will have to do.

I am doing well, as your youngest grandchild I got the least time, but in the past 13 years so much has changed; high school was…high school, college is great, but as everyone else does, I want you here experiencing it with me. If I had one wish it would be that you could drive up to Maine for a weekend, see my life now, give me a hug and eat some Maine lobster with me - because we all know it was your favorite - but you cannot, and that is the harsh reality.

Lastly, I hope we are making you proud.

I hope we are making you look down and say you did things right while here. Despite not being here to be a part of our biggest milestones and achievements every single one of us is aware that you, in some way, are here. Thank you for making this family the best you could, thank you for teaching us that life goes on, and thank you for teaching us to have a sense of humor no matter what.

As we move forward, me missing you, being bitter I got the least amount of time with you, and wanting you to be a phone call away will never change.

Your picture will never leave the shelf and your memory will forever be remembered. I hope you know you made an impact on so many and I hope you know how much you were loved. As a kid I would run by your chair and refuse to hug you, it was our little game, now I would do absolutely anything to get one more hug.

Above all, I hope you know you make an impact on us every single day and you are so very missed.

Love,

Me