First of all, I’m over it.

What you did hurt me and scarred me, probably forever, but I refuse to let it define me and control my life.

Second, I want to tell you how much I looked up to you before your life changed and you became someone none of us know anymore.

You’re quickly burning all of your bridges and before you know it, all of your new ones that you thought were sturdy will turn out not to be and you’ll wonder how you’re going to get back home.

If you think that I’m mad at you, it’s actually the opposite. I, along with many others, are patiently waiting for the person we knew just a short year ago to return.

Where you’re at does in no way define you, but before long, it will. And trust me, you’ll regret it.

Your relationship with God does define you; spiritually and publicly.

The fun you’re having now, is just that, temporary. Although the scars you leave behind will last forever.

If I could ask you one question, it would be simple and it would be this: why?

Why would you leave the good life you had and the incredible relationships you had for something that does in no way last forever?

Why would you sacrifice everything you’ve ever known for something that is so temporary and pointless?

Maybe it seems pointless to me but to you, it is just your way of living. Maybe you just needed to experience life in some way, I don’t know.

Your disappearance from my life did hurt me at first. It hurt a lot.

I didn’t understand why you didn’t care about the exciting things that were beginning in my life and I didn’t want you to be that way. I didn’t want you to change.

I didn’t want you to leave me in your dust because you were one of my biggest influences and I thought I meant more to you than that.

You were like the older sister that I never had and you were one of the only people who could make me laugh uncontrollably when I was miserable.

You spent quality time with me even though there was an age difference between us.

Your marriage, relationship with your family, relationship with Christ, your motherhood- I looked up to all of those things. I saw myself being who you were in several years in the future.

You were selfless and hilarious and honorable and hardworking and goal-oriented and beautiful and if you didn’t know those things, just know that someone else did. Someone else saw your worth.

You not only let me down but you let your sister, your parents, your family, your husband, your kids, and God down. You let yourself get down. Why did you stoop so low?

Now, I’m sad to say that I hope I never dig my hole as deep as you have. I hope I never have my family look at me and think of me in sadness, and lastly, I hope that I never disappoint the people that look up to me.

I’ll admit, I make mistakes. We all do. But what you’ve done is getting ridiculous and I just want my sister back.

I’m not writing this to guilt trip you or make you cry or even to make you come back to me.

I’m writing this to put things into perspective.

I’m writing this because these words are words that I’ve wanted to tell you for months but haven’t.

This is my way of venting and letting go.

This is so that other people who have gone through the same thing can relate to someone because there was a period of time when I felt so alone.

You were there for me when all my walls came crashing down and then when things started looking up, you were already too far gone.

You were my older sister, my best friend, the only one I could truly count on.

Where are you now?

I haven’t talked to you in months and I want you to know that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of you.

I still look back on our sleepovers, concerts, random road trips, and movie dates fondly. I look back at the stupid stuff we said and the crazy inside jokes we shared and I still laugh at them.

You were one of the greatest things that God ever gave me.

From the time we were kids and you were my babysitter, I looked up to you in awe. You were always my older sister and someone I could fall back on.

As we got older, I saw you more as a mentor and someone I would eventually model my life after.

I want you to know that you are missed in my life daily and that I wish I could experience your kids growing up and being who they will be.

You should know that everything that you’re missing out on, you don’t get that back. You can have fun without doing the things that you are doing. You’re not going to get the campfire nights and the details about my first date or my first day of college or my first day at my first job back. They’re gone. Time doesn’t stop for you. The world is still spinning and trust me, it doesn’t revolve around you.

I want you to know that when you are ready to grow up and be the woman that I thought you were and that I looked up to and thought “I want to be like her when I’m older” that I will be here, still patiently waiting, with open arms.

If you read this, know that I am not mad at you and I hope you aren’t mad that I wrote this. I hope you use your life and make it a legacy.

You don’t build a legacy around partying it up with your friends or living a life of sin or being the best at sports. You make a legacy by touching the lives of the people around you.

I hope you live a life that is honorable enough that your kids look back and say, “That’s my mom!” I hope you don’t let your marriage fail but rather use it as a picture of Christ and the church. That relationship never fails. I hope that you once again become a woman that I can look up to. I hope you use your pain and your struggles for good and that you never look back on your life with so much regret that you cringe at the sight of it. Live every day to the fullest without becoming unrecognizable.

I love you forever.

And know that you can always find your way back home.

https://youtu.be/HSgOZEK7yg4

Love,

Alex