Hey, sweet girl.
I know you are hurting. I know you are looking for freedom. It is not in the boy you love. It is not in that relationship. I know that you know this, but sometimes it is hard to act on what you truly think and believe. You want to move on. You want to live the life God has given you, but you feel enslaved. You are enslaved.
Your relationship with him is unhealthy. He is so consumed with himself, that he does not see where he is lacking in the relationship. Whether it be because of drugs, alcohol or selfish desires, he is consumed with himself. You have caught him in countless lies. He has manipulated you to believe those lies. As time passes, you find out the truth and you feel betrayed. You feel like you cannot trust him anymore. But even though you feel that way, he will turn the blame on you. He will make you feel guilty that you do not love him. Love and trust are not synonymous. Just because you cannot trust him does not mean you do not love him. We are all sinners here. People we love betray us and lose our trust. That is all a part of living in a fallen and broken world.
You feel hurt because you do not want him to think that way of you. You want him to know that you love him, but he does not see it. He might never see it. That is why you cannot put your hope in that. You cannot keep imagining your life with him. You cannot keep reminiscing on the good times of the past. Stop telling yourself that you can change him, that you can turn things back into the way they used to be. You are enslaving yourself to him and he is going right along with it. He is taking advantage of your genuine, hopeful, caring and loving personality.
He does not truly love you. He does not love you like a man of God. You know the song, "Sign No More" by Mumford and Sons: "Love that will not betray, dismay you or enslave you. It will set you free." There is so much truth behind those words. That is God's love for you, sweet girl. It is the one love that matters the most in your life. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love in this. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Because Christ died for you, you have freedom. You do not have to be chained to anyone or anything in this broken world. It is OK to acknowledge your affections for this boy, but it is not OK to let that worldly love rob you from the freedom, joy and love that Christ has laid out for you. There is freedom in Christ. There is freedom in the one love that matters: God's love for you. Bask in it.
I know you say you love this boy. And because of that, you still want to be in his life. The best way to love him is to pray for his soul. Pray that he seeks the Lord and comes to faith. Pray for growth because only God can change him. Stop putting that responsibility on your shoulders because only God changes people. You can only help promote it, but that is it. Acknowledge that you love him, but draw a line in the sand. Tell him you cannot be with him the way you have been in the past. You have to move on because this is robbing you of the freedom and joy that God has for you in Jesus.
