To the girl that I am when it rains,
For the one that’s lost sight of the beauty surrounding her.
the one that is blind to the flame within herself.
that can’t drag herself further from bed than is necessary to survive.
to the girl that I am when I am sad,
I am not sorry.
I am not sorry for spending all your money. I am not sorry for wasting beautiful hours of motivation and energy on shopping and exploring and listening to music and playing outside and reading and coloring and eating candy and ice cream. I am not sorry for not doing my homework or cleaning or running those important errands. I am not sorry for making major decisions in a split second. I am not sorry for doing all the things you deem irresponsible. I am not sorry for leaving all the important things for you. I am not sorry for leaving you to deal with the consequences of the storm of careless chaos that I live in.
I am not sorry for doing the things you want to do.
I am not sorry because you need me.
You need me to do these things.
If I didn’t spend all your money why would you ever go to work? If I didn’t buy you clothes you feel beautiful in how would you ever step out of the house confidently? If I didn’t buy you all the food I know you find delicious, why would you ever go through the hassle of eating? And if I spent my free hours being responsible why would you ever get out of bed? If I didn’t have fun, why would you ever want to leave the warmth of the darkness you find peace in?
The you that is happy does what she does to take care of you.
The you that is happy does what she does to inspire you. She is more thoughtful than you know. The you that is happy is more careful than she lets on. The you that is happy knows where you are strong and where you are not. She does what she does to take care of you. And though you may curse my name for causing you stress or forcing you out, for forgetting this and ignoring that. For being the one having all the fun and sticking you with the responsibility- it is with gratitude. Though you may not know it there, you may not feel it, I know there is appreciation under your frustration. With out me you would never claw your way out from the dark.
So, to the girl that I am when I am sad,
To the girl that I am when it rains,
You’re welcome.