To the girl after me,

I really hope he treats you better. I really do, but if I know him, he's not capable of it. I know what you're thinking. She's just bitter and crazy, just like he told me. I know because he said the same things to me when we were first starting out. He warned me about his 'crazy' exes and told me to ignore anything they tried to say. None of them ever tried to tell me anything, and that is why I am here for you. To tell you. To warn you.

For any of this to make sense, let's take it back to the beginning. Back to the night we started talking. A friend of mine, who honestly didn't know any better, told me this guy that lived with her current boyfriend was trying to get back into dating and he seemed nice. Flash forward about an hour later and this guy and I are starting to talk. He then proceeds to invite me over. Not a traditional date, but not Netflix and chill either. Now normally, I would never go over to a guy's apartment on the first date, but if you recall, my friend's boyfriend is this guy's roommate and she was already at their apartment. So I throw caution to the wind and head over to his apartment. What could possibly go wrong? A lot actually.

On that first night, this guy, let's call him Neil for the purpose of this letter, had red flags flying. Of course, there is some hindsight bias, but I still have conversations from that night discussing some odd occurrences of that night. I'm telling you about this because there were signs, noticeable signs, that I chose to overlook because I was lonely, because I was vulnerable. For example, Neil was 25 years old at the time. He had no job, no degree, and virtually no furniture in his apartment except for a few pieces that looked like he had dug them out of the dumpster outside. He had excuses for each one of these things. He claimed that he had been a nuclear power plant engineer and that he was discharged from the Navy for apparently cracking a guy's skull open with a beer bottle, to which he said was necessary in the situation, but I can not verify any part of that story to be true. He had no degree because he was currently enrolled in the same college that I also attend, of which he dropped out a year later. His furniture, he claimed, was mostly hand me downs, which is ok, but it wasn't just old and hideous, it was disgusting. Alright, fine he's working on a degree, and had a good excuse for the whole beer bottle thing, however, then he started talking about his exes. Neil told me the last couple he had were pretty crazy and would probably try to tell me stories about him that weren't true. He also added in pictures of the prettiest ones to try and reinforce the idea that he was a catch. As you know, none of the 'crazy' ones ever tried to contact me, which is why I am writing this, because someone needs to make sure you know that you're not alone, and what he's doing to you isn't the first time he's done it, and it won't be the last.

We go right along, hanging out and watching movies, until Neil asks me to be his girlfriend. Less than twenty four hours later, something has shifted, but I'm not quite sure what. It is pretty late at night and I'm playing with his hair. He seems fine, until he snaps and pushes me away from him, very aggressively, and yells at me to leave his hair alone. I am obviously confused, as he had been completely ok with my playing with his hair earlier, because I had asked beforehand. No apology, nothing, he goes right back to playing virtual car soccer (Rocket League, to which he spent most of his free time playing). He had many of these outbursts throughout our relationship, but maybe that won't happen to you.

A few months pass, probably around three, before he starts telling me that he doesn't like my best friend, the one that had set us up. He tries to start fights between us, saying he overheard her say this or say that. He would tell me that his roommate told him how she really thinks of me and a million other things. He continues with this escapade until I eventually stop talking to her because I'm tired of fighting. He then does a similar practice with my family. Telling me that he doesn't like the way I act after I visit home, probably because my entire family already hated him due to the fact that he would throw a temper tantrum every time I would try to visit which would cause me to visit less and less until eventually, I stopped visiting or talking to them altogether. He effectively cut me off from everyone who loved me or who tried to help, but maybe he won't do that to you.

Neil and I move in together. Great decision. I paid the first two months rent and the deposit alone. My schedule consisted of going to school, work, come home, cook us dinner. It went like that for a few weeks until he started commenting on my weight (at the time, I was twenty pounds underweight) and saying that I needed to go to the gym, so I did. We started going together until suddenly he didn't want me at the same gym as him and wouldn't tell me why. I only ever found out why a few months later when he allowed me to borrow his laptop and had it to where facebook pops up when he has a new message. I wasn't snooping, that didn't happen until after this incident because until that moment, for some reason unbeknownst to anyone, I trusted him. He has been conversing with a girl, and had been trying to get her to meet him at the gym that we had been going to. If I could pinpoint an exact moment when I started trying to find myself again, this was it, but as always, Neil had an excuse, one that I can't remember, but also one that I apparently believed because I stayed. Come to find out, that girl wasn't the first or the only one. He would explain that he and I had broken up, that I had broke his heart, and go on playing the victim and acting sensitive until they either told him where to shove it or bought into the whole deal. The only problem with his plan was that WE WERE STILL TOGETHER, but maybe he won't do that to you.

This is where I slowly started coming to my senses. I left. I packed my bags and loaded up my car. Unfortunately, it didn't last long. In fact, I didn't even make it to my destination. He started calling me, crying and telling me how sorry he was and how he just wanted me to come home and we would work it out. I was ten minutes away from my mom's house (about an hour and a half away from our home), and I turned around. My newfound backbone still bent to accommodate him, but at least it was there instead of completely absent. When I got home, for the first few days, I thought he had actually changed. He did one thing that he had never done to me before that almost completely patched up his shortcomings in my eyes. As soon as I got home, he got up and hugged me. The type of hug that makes you feel safe, the one that makes you believe whoever is holding you truly loves you, to the point that I can still feel that hug and it still breaks my heart. When he pulled away from that hug, he brushed the hair out of my eyes, kissed my forehead and told me that he loved me. Hook, line, and sinker. I was reeled right back in. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he truly may have meant it, but within a few days, he was back to his narcissistic, controlling ways. Who knows? Maybe he won't control you and maybe he's changed.

The next few months slowly begin to take their toll on Neil, what with me having a backbone and not complying with his every demand. Suddenly I no longer cook him dinner every night or clean up our home every time he gets the desire to bring his wonderful friend over to scatter our house with beer bottles and takeout. The thing that really seemed to get under his skin was when he realized that he no longer had someone to yell at or pick apart. Not because I was gone, but because I wouldn't let him. You see, for some odd reason while I was with Neil, I had never really stood up for myself, I would just let him take his everyday frustrations out on me and to tell you the truth, I never really understood why I let it happen in the first place. Any of my exes that came before him could tell you that I was the last person that you ever wanted to pick a fight with. Neil didn't get the memo until those last few months when I started yelling back. Flash forward to the breakup. He text me while I was at work. I need some time to think, I won't be coming home for a while. He then turned his phone off without telling me where he was going or for what. Obviously, I was confused and tried to find out where he was staying just to make sure he wasn't in any danger. I had no intention of ever going to see him, at this point, he could do whatever he wanted because I was honestly just waiting for the lease to be up so that I could leave for good.

When he finally came home, he informed me that we were no longer working. However, he then proceeded to kiss me and tell me that he loved me for the next two weeks. That is until I didn't come home at an appropriate time to suit him. He blew up my phone threatening me and anyone that was with me. He told me that he was done caring for my well being if all I was going to do was whore around. I tried explaining to him that I was with some friends at a club and owed him no explanation. He cussed me for everything that I was worth and then some. How dare you go out on a school night. How could you keep me up all night waiting on you? Last time I had checked, he was not my father and furthermore, he was no longer my boyfriend either. I thought we were going to get back together, but not after the way that you've been acting. Oh, you mean the part where I stopped doing backflips to cater to you or the fact that I had no intentions of ever getting back together with a man that made me feel like less of a human being? Within the next month, he was making plans to move to California, meanwhile packing things that belonged to me (don't worry my best friend happily went through the boxes while he was gone and removed anything that I had bought, which was a hefty portion of his luggage). Oh and remember those other girls he was talking to? He moved one of you out there with him. People can change, there is no doubt about that, and maybe he will one day, but maybe, just maybe, he won't.

Much love,

The Girl Before You.

P.S. Please be safe.