Hi,

I hope this finds you well because I am doing great in life right now. I've found success and am back to focusing and bettering myself. I lost my self-love but since our breakup, I found it again and I have you to thank for that. You haven't heard from me since our falling out but I wanted to say this: you stabbed a knife in my chest over and over again all while I was giving you pieces of myself till I had nothing left and I am now stronger than ever. Our friendship was fun and easy in the beginning of things then, over time, stuff got worse and it got bad. It wasn't healthy anymore. I wanted to keep putting in effort to help make things better and patch holes up that were burned until I realized I was the only one fixing things and that it was you who was causing these problems. Why? Did you feel the need to start arguments then turn it around on me that I'm the bad guy when all I wanted was to help you? I wanted to help fix you so bad I destroyed myself. It wasn't until I was watching you and the others go at each other while I was having a mental breakdown that I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I look back and see all the things that should've been signs for me to walk away but I didn't. I could've saved myself so much time, tears and frustration if I would've just walked away. I'm glad I didn't though because that's who I am. I can't just leave when the going gets tough and this just reminded me that that's who I am.

We're at a time during our lives where going out with each other shouldn't result in a screaming match or being kicked out of the bar because you couldn't control your temper. Then sometimes the fights would turn physical and for some reason I let my morals slip away from myself. Abuse in any form in any relationship is never okay but when it got physical I still stayed. I saw past your actions and looked at the underlying issue where I then tried harder to figure out what was going on and gave you excuses for your actions. There are so many things I told myself I'd never do but I did them for you. I've experienced toxic friendships all throughout high school and I thought I was done. This friendship turned from toxic to abusive.

No one could feel any emotion without you trying to ignore theirs and focus on yours. Friends are supposed to be there for each other in times of need not making them feel insignificant or turning the situation on yourself, again. Anything not involving you was invalid. I was constantly interrupted while telling a story to people because what you had to say was more important. You didn't have any respect for what anyone else had to say. What kind of friend would I be if I ignored your issues and always turned our vent sessions back on myself? A selfish friend.

Boys couldn't exist because you had a relationship no one approved of so if you couldn't talk about yours, we couldn't talk about ours. If we were happy in our love lives you would always spot a problem and cause us to reanalyze our relationship with that person. Why would you do that? Why did you always ruin our happiness? If any of us got closer than we were to you it was a problem. Arguments and hidden frustration that were exposed by snapping at each other were a constant thing. Friends shouldn't be walking on eggshells around each other and friends especially shouldn't be holding back from each other because we're scared if we get closer to someone who isn't you, it'll cause problems. What kind of a friendship is that where someone gets so jealous to the point where the people in the friendship can't talk to each other individually without worrying about that person having a temper tantrum over it? It's not a friendship it's a controlled relationship.

If anyone had any inner issues or problems they didn't exist because you were the only one who could have problems. I have had depression and anxiety since I was a freshman in high school but anytime I had felt anxious or depressed to you it was just me not wanting to hang out which followed with you pressuring me to come out. My mental illnesses were invalid to you. I've never had a relationship that caused me to have not just one but multiple panic attacks and mental breakdowns until our friendship became toxic. After having a panic attack once I knew things weren't good but I ignored and tried harder to consider your thoughts and feelings. The toxicity was so apparent that not only was I the one who's depression and anxiety skyrocketed but also to the other people in this friendship. No one could say anything because if we did we were considered inconsiderate for wanting out of a friendship with "someone who's having a rough time that just needs their friends". Yes, you had your inner problems and God knows I helped you as much as I could but we all had problems too. What friendship is it that no one talks about their life problems because someone is having a difficult time themselves? That everyone else's problems aren't apparent except for yours? A toxic friendship.

Privacy and trust are two very important factors in any relationship but weren't considered on your side of things. No one could tell you their passwords to anything without having to worry about you going onto their accounts and snooping for something to get upset about. It was constantly about who's saying what and about who. If your name was brought up in any conversation that was all you could focus on even if there was a story and you were just mentioned. Paranoia got the best of you. If anyone had a group message without you, we had to delete it before we hung out with you in case you went through our phones when we left the room because you would be mad that you weren't included in a message where it had nothing to do with you. Friendships where privacy isn't considered and invaded constantly, are not good and definitely not healthy.

In the end of things the events and situations that occurred related to the signs of an abusive relationship that we all learned to look out for in high school health class however, in this situation you were the abuser. I am glad though that we were friends because the time that was good is full of memories I'll never forget and the times that were bad taught me what friendships are and aren't. I know I did some of the bad but my part of the bad doesn't seem anywhere near to how destructive the other bad was. I truly hope you move on in life and learn how to love yourself and the others around you. I'm sorry you lost me as a friend who tried to help you, who listened to you anytime of the night/day, who lost sleep over worrying about you, who was always honest and who tried their hardest supporting you even when they didn't want to. However, it seems that I'm the only one who can say that. I hope this finds you and you rethink our time together over and see where I stood. I'm the happiest I have been in the last month since our falling out and I can only hope the same for you. I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me that make me feel good about myself, I have you to thank for that because I probably wouldn't have met them if it wasn't for your friendship. Then there's the bitter side of me that wants to see you experience someday what you had put me and the others through but I couldn't wish that on someone I once cared for because it was soul crushing and took all the strength I had to build myself back up. Just remember for future relationships that we get what we give. I lost a friend who didn't appreciate my friendship and only saw the negatives in everything (who also lost the others friendships) and in turn made closer friends with people who see my worth and only want to make me shine more than I already do. I hope one day you find a friend who can make you feel the way I do now with my friends because it's great to have no drama, happiness, encouragement and constant uplifting in a relationship.

Sincerely,

The friend who's grateful you lost them