I remember very clearly the day I met you. It began at a distance on the first day of second semester, I was a small shy sophomore and my best friend pointed you out expressing interest in you. You were walking down the hallway talking with some friends and laughing, you’re smile caught me immediately. Soon I found out we three shared a photography class together and my friend introduced us. You were confident in your work and soon confident in mine. We became quick friends and you pushed me way past my limits. I was grateful for the push.

During that semester you pushed me back into my faith, despite my constant excuses to not be. That summer you ‘tricked’ me by telling me we were seeing a movie with friends; and we did! We saw it with you friends, at church, with a youth pastor. But despite the tricks, I fell deeply in love with the place and felt comfortable to reenter my faith. Things were wonderful for a short period, we had a lot of fun until you left church. I don’t blame you; you had your feelings hurt. But when you left church you decided to leave me too. I couldn’t figure out why you would push me away and I didn’t like this type of pushing. Not one bit. I was hurt that I could be left behind and I didn’t give up. You were a senior that year so I began your present and waited. I waited for you to come back and acknowledge your sister again.

During the waiting period there was a lot of tears. I missed you, and just wanted the guy I considered my big brother to be there for me. I remember distinctly a girl talking bad about you in one my classes. I expressed to her that although I don’t mind that she doesn’t like you, I asked her to ‘not talk about you while I was there’. She continued and I very loudly said ‘I’m leaving this classroom before I hit you’. That’s when I went down to the art room to talk to the only other person in that building that could calm me. It just so happened to be your class period with him and I remember looking at you tears in my eyes; wondering what I did wrong. You came back after that.

You went off to college and we stayed close but you really changed. You gained confidence, joined a fraternity and forgot about your little sister. Sometimes you came home and saw us all, but I knew you never wanted to come home. Years passed, we had our battles but you were always my brother. You were always there. Soon you began making little comments, but they built and hurt. I tried to ignore them, I should have told you then they hurt. It took one big blow up and you were gone again. I knew it as your drove me home that night, it was one of the best nights we had had together; and one of the dumbest fights.

Well over a year later the guy I thought I was going to marry had left me and you reentered my life very briefly. You made sure I was okay, and that was it. I remember getting so upset that you didn’t care about fixing our friendship but I knew I couldn’t force it. Now here we are, a year later and we haven’t spoken. Most of the time I blame myself. I think if I had been better, less anxious, and less needy then maybe you wouldn’t have had to leave. But, I’ve come to terms that you probably would have regardless. You had to find yourself, and when you did I don’t know that I was meant to be involved.

My advice after all this is: when you truly care for someone you have to set your selfish ambitions aside. You have to be willing to pick and chose fights but fight to keep them in your life. Most of all, you have to be willing to let them go when it’s time to go.

I miss you and can’t deny it. I would love for you to be in my chaotic life. I would love for you to read this article, come back and tell me it’s all going to be okay; that you miss me too. I would love for you to meet my dumb dog, hear about my missionary work and Mexico family. I would love for you to be here again and shoot pictures with me. All of this is a crazy dream I have, but I have fully accepted that you have filled the spot I had in your life; while I hold out hope and keep mine open.

So thank you. Thank you for bringing me to Christ and making me confidant in who I am. Thank you for worrying about my mental and physical health when I didn’t. Thank you for keeping me from fighting people and loving me when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for pushing me when I didn’t want to be pushed. Thank you for being a big brother to me because I’m an only child. Thank you, I know saying goodbye would have been too hard, and I’m sorry.