To The Friend I Pushed Away During My Battle With Depression | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

To The Friend I Pushed Away During My Battle With Depression

I didn't want you to see me like that.

1635
To The Friend I Pushed Away During My Battle With Depression
Pixabay

You did everything you could have done to reach out to me when I was at my darkest.

I've been thinking about my major depressive episode a lot lately, not because I'm not over it, but because I'm not over the people I lost during it. Trust me, I lost my fair share of friends over that horrible span of time. You stick out, though, because you were the only one who kept trying, even when I told you over and over again to stop and give up on me.

I had no idea what was going on in my head. Quite frankly, I was a complete mess -- never getting out of bed, laying in the dark, not eating. It was embarrassing, humiliating, and something I didn't know how to explain. How can someone explain that they feel like a ghost? I was completely hollow, empty, lost. You kept texting, asking if you could come over and help.

You tried harder than anyone else to understand, to visit, to help, but I wouldn't let you. I'm so sorry for not letting you see me, but I couldn't. I felt so unworthy of you, even before the episode, so it was unimaginable how unworthy I felt during. I was considered ugly and a monster to myself, crazy to everyone around me, a burden to some of my closest friends. I didn't want to imagine what you'd think of me. I wanted you to just think of me as me: happy-go-lucky, silly, clumsy, talkative.

We were complete opposites. You were always contemplative and quiet (until you got used to people, that is) -- a much better listener. You didn't use "I" as much as you used the words "you" and "we." I always found that to be pretty unique. You were loyal without fail, protective, honest, and raw, and that's not a combination you come across too often in friends. I don't know if you're still like that, but I hope to God that you are. I envy the people who get to experience those parts of you now.

You need to know that I didn't push you away because I didn't want you around. I did, truly. I pushed you away because I wanted to protect you from me, the ticking time-bomb. You deserved a more happy, upbeat, and capable person as your best friend. I was far from that person during that time. I wish I could say I regret it. If I had let you in, I might have gotten better much more quickly, but the truth is I can't regret jumping on that particular grenade for you. That wasn't the time for me to be selfish, because you deserved the best. I refused to taint you with my darkness.

Thank you for the flower in my hair, the long talks, the supportive texts, and for trying to convince me I was above everything going on in my head. I didn't believe you then, but I do now. I hope you know how unbelievably special you are, and how lucky I was to have had you as a best friend for the short time I did.

I miss you, and I hope that we cross paths again soon so that I can tell you all of this in person.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

A Few Thoughts Every College Freshman Has

The transition into adulthood is never easy

13366
Mays Island
Courtney Jones

Today I started my third week of college at Minnesota State Moorhead. I have survived welcome week, finding my classes on the first day, and being an awkward loner in the dining hall. Even though I have yet to be here for a month, I have already experienced many thoughts and problems that only a new college student can relate to.

Keep Reading...Show less
college

"Make sure to get involved when you're in college!"

We've all heard some variation of this phrase, whether it came from parents, other family members, friends, RAs, or college-related articles. And, like many clichés, it's true for the most part. Getting involved during your college years can help you make friends, build your resume, and feel connected to your campus. However, these commitments can get stressful if you're dealing with personal issues, need to work, or aren't sure how to balance classes and everything else going on during the semester.

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

9 Reasons Why Friends Are Essential In College

College without friends is like peanut butter without jelly.

5865
Bridgaline Liberati and friends
Bridgaline Liberati

In college, one of the essential things to have is friends. Yes, textbooks, a laptop, and other school supplies are important but friends are essential. Friends are that support system everybody needs. The more friends you have the better the support system you have. But you also have someone to share experiences with. And don’t settle for just one or two friends because 8 out of 10 times they are busy and you are studying all alone. Or they have other friend groups that do not include you. Don’t settle for just one or two friends; make as many friends as you can. After the first couple of weeks of college, most friend groups are set and you may be without friends.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

The Power of Dressing Up

Why it pays to leave the hoodie at home.

4358
sneakers and heels
Sister | Brother Style - Word Press

For a moment your world is spinning. The phone alarm has just scared you awake and you’re flooded by daunting thoughts of the day ahead. You have three assignments due and little time to work on them because of your job. You’re running late because you’ve hit snooze one to many times after yesterday’s long hours. You dizzily reach for a hoodie, craving its comfort, and rush for a speedy exit, praying you will have time to pick up coffee. Does this sound familiar?

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

11 Signs You Live At The Library As Told by 'Parks And Recreation'

A few signs that you may live in the library whether you'd like to admit it or not.

3843
brown wooden book shelves with books

Finals week is upon us. It is a magical time of year during which college students everywhere flock to the library in attempt to learn a semester's worth of knowledge in only a week. For some students, it's their first time in the library all semester, maybe ever. Others have slaved away many nights under the fluorescent lights, and are slightly annoyed to find their study space being invaded by amateurs. While these newbies wander aimlessly around the first floor, hopelessly trying to find a table, the OGs of the library are already on the third floor long tables deep into their studies. Here is a few signs that you may live in the library, whether you'd like to admit it or not.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments