There has been a heavy feeling lingering over my head lately. Most would say to wait it out, it's only a temporary feeling, but how can one continuously have the feelings of being let down and being put second to the side?

I come from a family of divorce. A family of brokenness.

I come from a past of abuse, lies and betrayal.

I come from a family that will never put me first and will always look down on anything and everything that I do.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with all of my siblings my mom and dad..but it's not my immediate family I have my issues with anymore. I have this lingering feeling of hatred over my head stemming from the people that I should love the most in this world, but how can you love and appreciate people who stopped wanting you so early in life?

I grew up like any child should. Two sets of grandparents, mom/dad, and all the crazy siblings in what I thought was the most loving family. After the last sister was born(and I say last because there are now five of us), things clearly took a turn for the worst. As a fifteen year old, you don't expect to see your parents fighting. You don't expect to have to be the one to call the police just to get it to stop. You shouldn't have to take on a role of 'mom' to four other children when you're still a child yourself. I saw my siblings get hit and yelled at. I myself, got the wrath that my siblings and mother got, but I was at the hands of someone who I was supposed to love unconditionally..what is a fifteen year old supposed to do?

Fast forward a couple years and my parents divorced. At the time, I didn't agree with it..but what child would. You ultimately end up blaming it on yourself. I wasn't the only one putting blame though. I have grandparents that put the blame straight onto my mother. I, still to this day, wonder how one can sit there and say that domestic violence is okay, or it's okay to hit your children because "they deserve it". Putting blame on my mother that money was given to save a house, went towards buying my first car(which is ridiculous btw, my stepdad bought it!!). She was blamed for the separation because she did what was best for not only her, but for her children. She got out of an abusive and destructive relationship, but it was her fault.

After the divorce, our immediate family not only separated, but there was a split between grandparents and grandchildren. We were not wanted. We were not listened to despite the numerous attempts to tell our side of all things happening. We weren't given a second look at. We were looked over. We. Were. Nothing. We were never given the option to go on family trips. No one wanted to go to graduations or celebrate birthdays. The only 'family' time spent is during Christmas. If I'm being honest, it makes you feel unwanted and not worthy. You see your cousins and grandparents together all the time, celebrating birthdays, graduations and special events and you're in the background not even given a second thought to ask "hey, you want to join us?".

I sit here and think of all the things I want to say, but all I can come up with is I'm sorry. I'm sorry you'll never get to experience the love that we could have given. I'm sorry you won't be able to celebrate milestones in our lives. I'm sorry you chose not to love us they way you do others, because we all have a lot of love to give back. I'm sorry you chose to push us away because of the decisions that were made by our parents, and I'm sorry, you always chose to turn us down when we needed help the most.

I'm writing this, not for sympathy, because we are way past that stage, but for myself and my family. I'm sitting here angry at the fact that I feel this way towards people I'm supposed to love and cherish the most. I'm writing this for my mother, who has done everything in her power to be AND do the best she can for not only my siblings and I, but for those around her. She really is the person I aspire to be. I'm writing this for my siblings and myself, because we deserve and give so much love, even to those that don't deserve it. I'm writing this for my father, because despite all things, he's the first man I ever loved and a couple years can definitely change a person. Last, I'm writing this because I feel my story needs to be heard, and many people have lived in my story. Things always get better, and you can't please everybody.

All you can do is pick up the pieces and try and put them back together the best way you can.