Dear Ex-Best Friend,

It's been almost 8 months since we stopped talking to each other, although, to me, it seems like a little over a year that you stopped talking to me. Who would have ever guessed that we would end up like this? People still come up to me and ask me what happened but the truth is, I don't know. I understand that friends break up and they go separate ways but it still doesn't make sense to me that it happened to us.

I still think about it. We didn't have a huge fight nor did we stop caring about each other. There just came a point when we couldn't deny that we were distant and it was subtle, which is why I think it hurt so much. We were hanging by a thread and at any moment, I knew the worst would come. I tried desperately to save us but I guess that was part of the problem; I was the only one trying to save us. It was as if you didn't care enough, like I didn't need to be a part of your life. And that's when I stopped trying. I realized that friendships shouldn't be so difficult to maintain.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you. I hate that it happened and I hate that we didn't make it through to the end but I don't hate you. I tried but I just couldn't do it. Because no matter what, you were still the girl I knew. You were the girl who likes Boston creme donuts (which I still hate by the way). You like reality tv shows and singing competitions, you always get sour patch kids at the movies, and you love my mom's cooking. That was who you were and I loved you. But you hurt me. You hurt me so badly. You started lying to me and spilling personal things to other people. You chose other people over me and you tried to lie about that too. I honestly couldn't understand the shift in our friendship. I didn't know what I did wrong for you to leave me like that and I blamed myself for a while. You probably don't know how much this crushed me but it did.

After a while, I wanted to stop hurting so I turned my emotion to anger. It was just so much easier. It's as if I didn't have to let the pain in and I could just pretend to not care. And as we all know, anger brings out the worst in us and that's exactly what it did to me. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. I tried my best to make you see that I was better off without you. I tried my best to make sure you regretted letting me go. I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. However, in the end, it only backfired on me because I wasn't worth anything to you. I didn't matter enough for you to be mad at me or be hurt by me. And in spite of everything, I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to apologize, to say that you wanted a second chance but you never did.

And in this whole mess, I recognized my own mistakes. I should have never subtweeted you. I should have never texted you that I hated you. I should have never been so angry. I should have never tried to force you to stay in a friendship you didn't want to be in.

When did we stop trusting each other? When did we start lying to each other? When did we start hurting each other? When did a relationship that was so easy turn into a relationship I had to keep fighting for? When did our friendship become so disposable to you? I still have so many questions but I now know that some things don't and shouldn't have answers.

We missed our senior year together. Something I was so excited for. I wanted to be at prom with you and the fashion show and our birthdays and our graduation. I wanted to make a lot of memories so that we could tell our stories to our kids. But we didn't get the chance. And somehow, I'm okay with it now. I realized that you were toxic to me. You made me feel like I wasn't worthy, loved, or enough. We ended on bad terms but for me, I finally stopped feeling angry and hurt and guilty. I felt liberated.

I still look at something or hear something or do something that reminds me of you but instead of the bitter and sad feeling I used to be consumed by, I now feel nothing. I still hope you have the future we talked about. I hope you fall madly in love and that your husband loves you with his whole heart. I hope you and your new best friend get to grow old together and that she stands by you at your wedding. I hope she is there for you when you feel like your heart has been crushed into a million pieces. I hope she puts you first and loves you. I hope you and her can go on family trips together. I hope that you live a life you won't regret. I hope you touch the people around you with your compassion and smile. I truly hope the best for you.

And trust me, I want to put it in the past and I wish I could be the bigger person who says I forgave you but I can't. Some things aren't for the past and what you did effected me and my future. I'm sorry that I can't remember what it felt like to be your best friend. I'm sorry that all I can really remember is how much you hurt me. I wish I had better memories of us but the wounds were too deep. I can't forgive you and admitting that makes me damn strong.

Love,

the person who loved you with everything I could.