You wake up in the morning and from the moment you roll out of bed you know. You know that today your anxiety will flare, and that the chances you will have an anxiety attack before you make it back to bed tonight are extremely high. You can feel it in your chest as it becomes hard to breathe; you can hear it in your head as the anxious thoughts swarm around like a hive of honeybees. It’s debilitating, it’s paralyzing, and it’s 100% real. Although, none of this will change the fact that you have 2 exams today, a four-hour shift at work, and a homework assignment due before the night is over. On a day like today, you can stare at your chemistry notes all you want trying to study for your upcoming test, but you will not retain any information. Instead, your mind will be far away replaying all the unsettling things that have happened to you in the past month like a broken record on repeat. Of course you know, better than anyone else, there is nothing you can do to change this. After all, it’s not like you can email your professor and tell him you’ll need to reschedule your exam because of your anxiety. That would be ridiculous, right? He would most definitely understand if you had the stomach flu or a family emergency but this is simply an “invalid excuse”. So, you’ll continue on and move about your day per usual, the best that you know how. No one will know except for you that you’re on the verge of a massive breakdown, because the outside of your body consisting of your grinning face and freshly done makeup does not match the inside that feels like it's being suffocated by a ton of bricks. By the time you get home that night and sit down on the edge of your bed you will be far past the point of exhaustion, but chances are you won’t sleep much because the anxiety you held in all day will find its way to creep out during the night. It may seem like it would be easy to close your eyes and feel at peace because the day is finally over, but the scariest part of all comes when you’re experienced enough to know this won’t be the last time a day like this occurs.
Anxiety disorders affect such a large portion of our population, yet they are seldom a topic of conversation. This type of anxiety is not the kind you feel before taking a test you never studied for. It’s a kind that can knock you down any moment of any day with no given notice. It’s all consuming, unexpected, and demands something new almost every time it hits. My anxiety has existed for as long as I can remember, although it has flared up most often in the past five years of my life. Most people that know me know nothing about my experiences with anxiety, which is how I’ve always wanted it to be. I always knew that I never wanted anyone to use my mental illness as an excuse for my words or actions, but now as I am currently attending my second year of college away from home and gaining knowledge and wisdom every day, I’ve finally begun to realize that speaking up is an easy way to find out you are not alone and that you are understood.
To all people who struggle with anxiety, especially those who are college students know that many people around you including myself understand the battles you face every day. As much as it may feel like keeping quiet is best for you, now is the time to speak up and share your story, share an experience, or stand up to the intolerance many people have. I know there is a feeling of defeat that lingers over your head when anxiety single-handedly takes every ounce of your energy you have inside, but you should know the enormous leaps and bounds you make each and every day are not going unnoticed. Not by me. The fact that you have continued on with your life despite the difficultness you experience is beyond impressive. Whether you realize it or not you are slowly but surely demolishing your anxiety every time you choose not to let it derail you from your life path you wish to pursue. You are winning. You are stronger than you know and braver than you seem and your anxiety will never outweigh the fact that you are a beautifully unique human with so many goals that you can and will achieve.
