Less than two months ago I was free to go to Taco Bell at midnight and my friends were just a quick trip across the hall or a knock on the too-thin dorm wall away. Now? I’m going to bed at 9:30 and hoping desperately to avoid small talk with anyone in the aisles of the grocery store – especially high school classmates. No offense to you though, I am (probably) only avoiding you because I know you are going to ask one of the following questions: “What are you up to this summer?” “Why are you home for the summer?” “Where are you working this summer?” And, quite honestly, I don’t want to answer. When my college classmates and professors asked, I could at least pretend like I was going to get a gig working at a bakery or tutoring kids at the library. Now that I’m living it, I am doing neither and I wish you didn’t know.
There are only so many times you can call yourself a “chauffeur” for three girls, ages 12, 11 and 11, who also happen to be your siblings, that leaves you feeling good about yourself. Not only are they your siblings, but you are also living at home, not making any money, not getting any job experience, nor are you even getting credits for school. Not to mention I may be the only one. It seems everyone else is off at internships, traveling the world, working or getting credits, while I am getting nothing more mentionable than a tan.
Or so I thought until recently. Despite the initial embarrassment of seeming lazy, selfish and entitled because I am not nearly as busy as I am during the school year, I have come to realize something — I am lucky. Although my family gets on my nerves, I am not entirely sure of the next time I will get to spend this much time with them again. Although I often feel lonely, I also get tons of time to do, well, nothing. And let me tell you, nothing encompasses a lot — a lot of what I don’t get to do while at school, especially since this upcoming school year will be my last of undergrad (and maybe of my own schooling ever — who knows?). I’ve already read a stack of books I’ve been meaning to delve into since the recurring thought of "I should read more" reared its ugly head after graduating high school. I have finally gotten a chance to get to things I kept telling myself I was "just too busy for." I cook more, exercise more and get to really figure out what living alone might be like, but with the perk of unconditional love all around me (not to mention the fully stocked fridge that I get a say in filling but don’t have to pay for).
The feelings of being selfish, lazy and not being enough happen every so often, but taking the time to feel those now when the only person you’re really affecting is yourself is important. Be selfish, do the things you want to do and learn how to do them alone, and yell at yourself for being inadequate then laugh about it. Pick yourself up, establish who it is you want to be or what you want to do and then go do it. So yes, you may be living at home for the summer, but you’re also doing so much more.
